decision changing

“You feel what you feel, and whatever you feel is valid; it doesn’t have to make sense. Feelings happen. Only when you believe your feelings are truth and feel an urgency to act on them do irrational feelings become bad decisions.” - Susan Lachmann

I wish someone had told me this before. Hell, maybe they have and I just wasn’t listening. I have a question for you. Where do you make decisions from? Is it from logic? Do things map out A, B, C? Do you hijack your feelings and listen to your brain? Do you make your decisions from feeling? Do you listen to your heart in the very moment you need to make the decision? Does it speak to you clearly? Or do you make your decision off of gut instinct? Do you feel throughout your entire being that this is the decision you need to make -- it’s black or white?

Life is full of decisions. We all know this. Every single moment we are called to make a decision. We decide how we sit at our desk. We decide what we want to think. We decide what task to do first. What we want for lunch. How we feel about what our friend just said.  How we will present ourselves each morning. Basically our every second is made up of decisions. We may not consciously be aware of the constant decisions, but we make them anyway. So what about the “big” decisions? You know, the ones that drastically change your life. The ones that sever a bond. That place you in a new environment from now until whenever. The ones that can flip you upside down. What about those? How do you make those?

Well, I will tell you how I make mine. I make mine solely off of feeling. I need to edit how I make them though. That may sound funny, and in a sick way, it kind of is. It has taken me this (24 years) long to find out that emotions do not make the best decision. WHAT?! Amanda just said that emotions are not the way?! Well, not entirely…

I have always made important decisions off of feelings. “But what will you do for work if you move to Uganda, Mandi?” My parents would ask. “I’ll figure it out,” I would respond.  I have never listened to logic. Ever. Maybe it’s that pesky rebel that loves to push my boundaries or maybe it’s just who I have been. If I felt like something was the right thing for me to do, I would do it. Key word, would. I do not think that making decisions off of sole feeling is serving me anymore. Nor do I think it is wise. Nope, I do not.

In the past few years I have learned the hard way. I have made split decisions based solely off of emotion and feeling multiple, multiple times. I have given up a kickass job, I have moved across the ocean, I have ended relationships and I have landed flat on my ass (multiple times). Did I think it was all necessary, well yes, otherwise it wouldn’t have taught me and I wouldn’t be here. Would I take back some of my actions if I could? Actually, yes. So this has got me thinking.

How can I edit my decision making? I have been watching others lately, and have noticed multiple different approaches; all of them being a combination of logic and gut feeling. I know it may sound silly, that as a full grown adult, I have to learn how to make decisions all over again. And I am proud that I am trying; that I am able to admit that what I had been doing was no longer working.  I have been taking mental notes on people that I admire and that have kickass emotion regulation and decision-making skills.  I don’t have any conclusions yet, but I look forward to the day that I do.

Until then, baby steps.

Being the heart breaker

I just wanted to text you this morning to tell you to have a good day.

I just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you and that I care so much about you.

I went searching for articles, writings, SOMETHING to help soothe my hurting heart.

Turns out, there isn’t much sympathy for the one who initiates the break up. Maybe they think that the decision for us was easy, otherwise we wouldn’t have done it. Maybe they think we made up our mind and we dug the grave and now we need to lay in it (okay, that was a little dramatic). Whatever the reason, no one is talking about being the one who calls it quits from a loving relationship. 

Maybe others just don’t know what it feels like. Well I will tell you what it feels like. It feels like you are sparing the other person a boatload of future pain and heartbreak by parting ways now. It feels like a cutting mistake in your heart, but the right decision in your mind because you know you cannot provide what they want and need. It’s going to sleep alone and thinking about them until your mind is too exhausted to continue. It’s distracting yourself with people, art, writing, exercise and still having that nagging want to connect with them; no matter your actions you think of them. Are they okay? Are they smiling right now? How can I be the most helpful in this situation? Is it not to contact them at all? Is it to lend them a hand if they are suffering? It’s confusing. There is no how-to book for these situations, when I wish there were. 

No, I am not saying it is more painful to be the one who breaks up with the other (even though in my experience, it is). I will not invalidate the pain of having your heart broken by another. It fucking hurts. But breaking your own heart, knowing you can selfishly choose to stay, that fucking hurts. It’s stretching who you are in this current moment to meet who you want to be. It’s taking the most honest action for this given moment. It’s loving the other person enough to share them with another who will give them what they want and need. 

I don’t have a relationship rulebook. I don’t have guidelines to go by. Quite honestly, I have found no two relationships are alike. Sure, there are similarities, but the people.. They have their own maps. 

So what does one do in a situation like this? As my friend told me yesterday, “close your eyes and take ten deep breaths”. That’s all I can do. Take it moment by moment. 

Not knowing.

I used to think I had it all figured out. I knew that when I believed in something whole-heartedly, I could make it happen. And I did. I believed only great things happened to me. And they did. I believed that the way to get over hardship was to have a little bit more compassion, to listen more intently, to love more fearlessly. I believed everything was simple, and it was.

To an outsider, I know how these beliefs look. If you are logical, you are rolling your eyes at my fairy tale thinking. If you are a ‘realist’ you are writing me off. If you are a person that has experienced hardship after hardship, you’re likely thinking, “just you wait sister, you will get your cup of tea”. And if you know me well, you are smiling, thinking, “that sounds about right”.

Whatever your reaction, it was how I felt. And I still feel like that, to an extent. I’m realizing with each day, that I don’t really know much. Sure, I know how I feel, I know how I might react, I know facts about random things. But I don’t know answers. I can’t predict the near future (I’m talkin’ like a week from now). I can’t tell you what you should do. I can’t tell you about love and relationships. And I surely can’t tell you what is “right” from “wrong”.

Those are all things we, as individuals, need to figure out for ourselves. Knowing that, doesn’t make it any easier. I wish I could just depend on what my mom says and take her word as my truth. And many people actually do that. I’m too curious.

I have compassionate, insightful friends that help me sort out my confusion, but even then, I have to filter their insights.

Does that feel right in my core? Does it give me goose bumps? In the scheme of things, does that make sense to me? Has that made sense to me before?

I am 24 years old and I feel like I am 18. 

I am 24 years old and I feel like I am 40.

I am 24 years old and I don’t understand age.

I am walking the fine line of what people expect of me and what is really me. I would argue many of us are. For those lucky ones, you don’t have a line to walk. Or maybe you do, you have just not realized it yet, or you are content with where you are and you haven’t thought much about it otherwise.

I’ve walked this line many times before. Actually, it’s where I live my life. Maybe that sounds depressing, and it’s anything but that. It’s actually quite fun!

Maybe you live your life on the line too. Maybe it’s the same line. Maybe the line doesn’t exist at all.

I don’t know.

And here I am again. Not knowing.

I’m beginning to believe that year twenty-four is the year of questions.

It's a good thing I love questions.

glass

I’m so sorry, I say

whispering

searching his eyes for familiarity

He doesn’t look up

He won’t look at me

His amber eyes stay glued to the dark blue duvet

I sit quietly

Mind a hazy horizon

What way is up?

What is down?

My heart has cracked

It’s physically aching

I look around the room

His scent surrounds me

I feel comforted

I reach for his hand

He doesn’t reciprocate

I look back to his sweet face

He is looking at me

I can see the fear in his eyes

I hear the vulnerability in his voice

He is so beautiful

I knew this before, and I know this now

The way he loves is unlike that I have seen

The way his eyes sharpen when he is concentrating

The way he asserts himself in all confidence that he will succeed

The way his voice softens when he tells me how much he cares about me

He is so beautiful.

And I am here

Wondering, what is the right thing to do?

I care about him, deeply, entirely

I would do anything for him

And the gentle voice is telling me to back up

Take a breather, she says

Slow down

Ground yourself

Who are you right now?

Why are you acting in ways that are no longer you?

Take a step back

I look at him

I tell him I am sorry

Hot tears stain my skin

I am listening to her.

I need to balance on my own for right now, I say

He has grounded me

And I need to ground me

generous love

His oversized hands gently caress my hair

I can’t open my eyes

The sun gleaming through the cracked shades is too bold, too shocking

Sleep permeates my room

I lay there motionless

Maybe he will go back to sleep

Maybe he will love me in that half assed fashion

And will stop touching me and flip over

Hey, he tried to wake me up briefly

And he sweetly continues to run his fingers through my hair

He doesn’t speak

He loves on me

He moves to my arms

Barely skimming their surface

Fingertips touching so lightly

Giving me chills to my bone

I open one eye, bearing to see this sweet thing’s face

He’s smiling

Eyes half open

Kind, large, vulnerable, amber brown

He doesn’t speak

He carefully moves me closer to him

Holding me for the last few minutes before he has to leave our cocoon

He kisses me all over

Tenderly and generously with no words

I know he expects nothing in return

And I’m not used to this

I can smell his skin as he moves around me gently

I relax completely

This is how it feels to be taken care of

I smile, slowly opening my heavy eyes

Good Morning Sweets

I say

And he smiles

Hugging me tighter, softly kissing my cheeks

He knows how to love another

He is beginning to understand how I work

And I am letting him in

comparison

I watched a video of myself from a year ago

And I was jealous of her

She had glowing skin, playful eyes and words dripped from her mouth like sweet honey

She spoke of her life and how much she was learning

The words were authentic and pure

Wearing an old shirt with messy hair, she was incredibly beautiful

She was happy and free

And then I sat confused

Where had that girl gone?

I still own her same clothes, same jewelry, same shoes

And I’m not her

I have become jaded in the past year

My heart has gotten twisted

And my path has sharply turned

That girl wouldn’t spend time with people she didn’t enjoy

She would rather be alone and make art

She would not share her heart with anyone and everyone

She enjoyed being independent and alone too much

Watching her every move, feelings surfaced

What does she have that I don’t anymore?

Candor in her beliefs and words, bravery to be herself and an intolerance to be anything different

What would she think of the life I am living right now?

She would smirk and say “another challenge”

Am I still that bright eyed, curious, fearless girl?

I’m not so sure

And here I sit

Coincidentally wearing the clothes she wore in the video

Looking like her, remembering what it felt like to be her

And I feel like myself

These feelings keep on coming in waves

When I moved here, I was her

I was fearless, free and ecstatic

I believed the best would always happen to me

Because I was a positivity magnet

Somewhere along the freezing short days and long nights

I stopped believing that

I dove into my grief

And I mourned what I now know as the loss of my free spirit

I didn’t lose her though

I just accessed a part of me that had been suppressed for years

I don’t feel anxiety like she did

Yes, she is glowing in the video and she is smiling

And she was riddled with anxiety

Still trying to figure out the remedy

I don’t know how I figured it out

Maybe it was just diving face first into it

I’m not sure

And I rarely feel the anxiety she felt

I also don’t live her lifestyle

I work 8-5 and sometimes it sucks my soul

She would cackle at me for saying that

Her advice would be “move on and what’s right will follow”

I don’t go to the beach everyday like she did

I don’t walk downtown barefoot

And I don’t share a twin bed with my boyfriend

My eyes are still hazel flecked with yellow

I still wear my retainer at night

And I still am curious as can be

Do I love where I am in life right now?

I’m not sure love is the right word

I do appreciate it

Am I truly happy?

I am happy, just a different happy than before

What’s the advice I would give to myself a year from now?

Listen to your gut. You always know.

  

For Phil

This is for Phil.

My heart is swollen. If you know me, you know this. I love most people I meet. I will embrace who you are and I will feel kindly to you. I have been like this most my life, accepting people with my best interest and not. With all this love, there are very few I hold in the lock box inside my heart. Phil is one of them.

Phil is different. When I met him I was freshly out of wilderness therapy, with a raw heart and knotted hair. We met downtown at a petting zoo. When we met it wasn’t fireworks, it was instant friendship. I can remember first seeing the twinkle in his eye as he excitedly jumped in the petting zoo. I recognized his excitement, it matched my own.

From the day we met, when I was 19, we became inseparable. I had never felt this type of companionship. He was outrageous, singing loudly, eating weird gas station food, jamming out to his headphones and making a grand entrance day after day. He was loving, always welcoming me with a big hug, a twinkle in his eye and affirming words. The days fast forward, he was my best friend. There was no thing he didn’t know and he loved me anyways.

I know this may sound like a typical love story, and who knows, maybe it is to you. To me it is the story of meeting my first soul mate.

Time wore on and it was Phil and I against the world. We laughed our asses off every night. From being stoned on the couch and poking each other (yes, we are easy to entertain) to dancing in our front yard with Kuna Louise. When we weren’t laughing, we were having a heart to heart. I was in love with him. Entirely, and completely. And I knew he was in love with me.

Time wore on and it got the best of me. With transferring to a new “big kid” school and being out of my comfort zone, I couldn’t adapt. Yes, I feel like I am a master at adapting, and this time around, I was struggling. In typical Amanda fashion, I changed everything. I changed the food I ate, the clothes I wore, the beliefs I once held, the home I lived in, and I changed my relationship status.

Quickly after moving to Eugene, Phil and I broke up. It was absolutely one of the hardest things I have ever done. I can remember looking in the mirror before we talked and hating what I saw. Who had I become? Where did Mandi go? Why did I feel this way? What the fuck is my issue? And I knew I had to do it. We talked and I cried, a lot. We lived only half a block away from each other and I was sinking slowly.

He knew.

It was not the typical break up. Yes, there were hurt feelings, and we still loved each other hard. Every day my heart hurt. I was so fucking confused, I didn’t know up from down. I knew how badly I had hurt him and it fucking crushed me. I know Phil is the most resilient human being on this earth, and it still weighed me down.

Time passed on and I quickly was sucked into one the darkest periods of my life. There was (literally) no sunshine in my life. Everything was gray and I was losing my fucking mind. I was living with my childhood best friend and her best friend (whom now is one of mine) and I slowly became a shell of myself. I got a horrible skin rash on my face, lost more than twenty pounds and began to lose my hair. I no longer cared what I looked like. I did not socialize and did not have the energy to go out.

I remember falling into this well. Phil eagerly put out his hand to pull me out. I grabbed it, crying and guilty. Why was he helping me when I just hurt him so deeply? I didn’t deserve his love. Everyday he would come over lively and knock on my bedroom door. If he hadn’t done this, I don’t know where I would be, and I mean that. With my skin red and raw, he told me I was beautiful, day in and day out. I had never felt so unlovable in all of my life. He hugged me while I cried and told him of my stuck mindset. He cried with me. Where had his best friend gone?

I remember one particularly bad morning, he texted me to come over, he always knew when I was struggling. I most definitely was not okay. On the walk over, hot tears ran down my face. What the fuck was wrong with me? When he opened the door, I immediately fell onto his familiar couch and cried. He put his arms around me and listened to me cry. He held my hands and empathetically didn’t say a word and held space for my massive pain.

He asked his mom for help. He let my friends know I was struggling, he connected with my parents. Why did I deserve this angel in my life? Why did he still love me? Why was he so kind and supportive of me? I asked myself these questions everyday.

To get some (literal) sunshine in my life, we drove to Bend every weekend for nine weeks straight. He didn’t care he was new to Eugene and trying to make new friends. He felt my pain and would do anything to stop it. Even though I had stopped loving me, he hadn’t.

During our last trip in the spring, months after moving to Eugene, we sat outside of Looney Bean letting our translucent skin be warmed by the sun. He put his arm around me and told me he saw flickers of myself coming back, and how much he had missed me. Fuck. I missed me. And just like that, the spell had been lifted.

Slowly, very slowly, I began the crawl out of the deep dark well of depression. Phil was waiting at the top with a flashlight encouraging my every move. On weekends, he always texted me to hang out to do things I once enjoyed.  And I went. Sometimes it was difficult, and he was always there, smiling, and being himself.

I began to feel like myself again. I ate food I liked, I smiled more often, I combed my knotted hair, I went out on the weekends. And Phil was by my side with every step of the way, giving me positive encouragement and all the love I needed to heal.

As I write this now, I am flooded with gratitude and deep love. I cried the whole time writing this for it still is fresh in my memory. Phil has reinforced everything that I believe in and stand for. Love has no boundaries. And when you love someone, just because you break up does not mean you have to cut that person out. If you loved them before, the love can shift.

Why do I deserve Phil? I will never know. I stopped asking when I realized we are in this for life. Together. He is my family. He is my blood. My brothers love him as their own. And my parents love and treat him as their own. Phil’s heart is possibly the biggest (and most playful) I have ever experienced, and to have experienced it has been the biggest gift. He will always make me smile. He will always have that twinkle in his eye. And he will always be apart of my family.

I am searching for words to further describe how I feel, and there are none.

Phil, if you are reading this, I know you teared up ;).

I will tell you what I always tell you. I love you. And I am so fucking proud of you. Yes, you drive me crazy when you change the music every thirty seconds, and I couldn’t ask for a better co-pilot.  Thank you, for everything.