Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Tribe

Today I was blessed with seeing a dear sister from Hawaii.
As I have spoken about, I have felt disconnected in the past few months; in limbo, unsure of anything, anyone and anywhere.
My relationships, quality of life and conscious choices have reflected this over and over.

Today, I was reminded of my belonging; that I have found my tribe. I have found members of my soul family in many places around the states. Hawaii being the most populated. They are just like me. Yet each unique. We don’t give a damn about what you do for a living. We care about what sparks your fire! We don’t have walls up around our hearts, we hold our heart in our hands willing to share what we have. We don’t beat around the bush. She asked me how I wasn’t losing my shit this winter. And I laughed. Straight to the point, damn I missed this!
When we speak to you, we listen. We care about you. We take chances and move quick, we know our time is short and there’s so much to experience.


(This is one of my loves from Hawaii; Julia)

Seeing my sister made me re-member all this. What I believe in. What I live for. How I live.

Her eyes were full of life, like I remembered. Days we spent at 4 mile soaking up the sun, dipping into the warm Pacific Ocean and I always remembered her eyes. Reflecting the clear teal water back at me; full of emotion, understanding and curiosity.  In the crisp mountain air I smiled, feeling the warmth of her presence washing over me.  Comfort, belonging, acceptance… It all came back to me.

I do belong.
You belong.
Your tribe is out there.
I promise.

I found mine

And damn, I’m grateful.

Monday, December 14, 2015

on loving





















I’m a romantic

Ugh, I said it
I would deny that
over and over again
if I could

I love to love
I believe in love

I fall in love with someone new 
every month

I can’t help it

I love humans
I love how when we connect our hearts swell
our minds focus
we notice
the freckles sprinkled across his nose
the gold flecks in her eyes
the scar above his left eyebrow

I love the feeling of another’s hand holding mine
            You trust me
            I trust you
The tough callouses lining his palms
Her equal sized hand grasping mine

I love waking up tangled in another
sleepy eyes
morning snugs
cheek kisses

I love to make others feel loved

I love you.

There is such a stigma around those
Three
Little
Words

I don’t think I will ever understand it
And I will always say it when I feel it

I am not afraid to love
yet
I am terrified of rejection

I love with flying colors
It is a risk
I take often

I would rather love
Be vulnerable
risk my biggest fear
being unloved

Than never love at all


Wednesday, December 9, 2015

Contradiction
















I am one giant walking contradiction
And I always have been

I crave loyalty and monogamy
Yet I crave freedom
No strings attached

I love to drink
And I know it is a false reality for me
I do it sparingly
until I don't

I believe in free love
Yet I practice selective love

I slip on the cement over nothing
Yet I can run miles without falling

The color yellow looks dreadful on me
and it’s my favorite color

I dream about love that’s eternal
and I practice friends with benefits

I love makeup
Yet I rarely wear it

I believe in balance
I have it fucking tattooed on my arm
Yet I am constantly scrambling for solid ground

I practice vulnerability
and I attract men who have walls

I come off as extroverted
and I love to be alone

I am fiery as hell
Yet my heart is watery as the ocean

I am generally kind, thoughtful
But can bite
Hard
if you cross me
Or someone underserving

I am empathetic
I feel for you, for others
Yet I sometimes can’t feel for myself

I live a life without roots
when I crave stability

solidity

I am ungraceful
yet I can speak gracefully

I don't know what the fuck I'm doing in life
and I know exactly what I am choosing day in and day out