Freedom

Magic is on my doorstep
It has been for months, I was just afraid to let it in
Feelings once so deep have been transformed

The love I once felt has evolved
Romantic love now deep appreciation
same person
different feelings, different energy
Repeated actions don't feel the same
Our lips don't fit, though our bodies do
I don't want to grasp
This love is different
This love is friendship
Friendship rooted in vulnerability, accountability, trust and support

The anger and resentment I felt from someone small
So fiery, burning through my body, wrecking havoc
It's shifted
No more intense feelings, just neutrality
No being a saint and wishing them well
No being a demon and wishing them hell

I wake up free
thinking what I want
No longer are people invading my mind

I'm on the Up & Up
I'm sure there will be speed bumps
I'm sure I will struggle
and I am unapologetically positive

I moved here with a broken heart and courage in my eyes
The Universe, like always, responded by giving me more of that
Different bodies, same lesson
the courage pushing me to fully be present
Reliving the past, staying honest and brave

I don't want to jinx it
and I feel confident to say
YES! I did it
I moved through the hurt, the fear, the insults, the unsteady ground, the anger
and here I am
Bright eyed bushy tailed

I can stand on solid ground now

Simplicity in Solidity

Arms out

Hair knotted

Legs wide

Do you know how nice it is to sleep alone?

I wake up to silence

Sweet silence

Snow dusted outside my window

I forgot how it feels to be alone

Tempted to make rules

Tempted to hold on to this feeling

“no dating this year”

Let’s be honest

I fucking hate rules

They are made to be broken

And trying to hold on?

That is suffering

I’ve pondered my actions from these past months

I see the best in others

I don’t discriminate

Maybe I should

I see you

your crooked smile

bizarre quirks

deep insecurities

That’s the beauty of you

I appreciate you

Months ago

broken hearted

unsure

terrified

I was slapped in the face by my conscious

Whoever is loved by me is lucky

My love is kind, generous, flexible

At that time

I was unable to direct that love inwards

I wasn’t sure how

I needed to switch tracks

Yet the train I was on was moving too quick

I continued to stay with myself

    felt the rejection

    the un-sureness

    the sadness

let it bring me to my knees

I kept coming back to myself

reminding myself to feel

The feels will pass when I let them out

and they did

Now

Here I am

Alone and confident

Knowing I can rest here

I’ve got my own back

This feeling

it’s so familiar

I have felt it most my life

This time it has a different flare

No longer do I feel made of fire

I see the fiery side
she’s there, waiting

If someone crosses me,

I have no doubt she will come raging

This is something different

A calmness

A knowing

An acceptance

A trust

A new chapter

unworthy

You know what fucking bites?

Feeling unworthy

This past week

I have come up against all of my scary demons

Again and again

Fear of what my parents will think

Oh hi, I forgot you existed

Anger and frustration at my impulsive decisions

I haven’t missed you

Fear of not being enough

You’re getting louder…

Fear of the future

You’re an old friend..

I’m exhausted

Physically sleeping ten plus hours a night

Mentally trying to control anything I can

            There are no winners in that game

Swinging from past to future

I am no longer that girl

I can handle my shit

I smile

Knowing they are all just thoughts

Reels from the past

I laugh at the simplicity of letting go

And the difficulty of surrendering

If we were experts at this life
what fun would that be?