comparison

I watched a video of myself from a year ago

And I was jealous of her

She had glowing skin, playful eyes and words dripped from her mouth like sweet honey

She spoke of her life and how much she was learning

The words were authentic and pure

Wearing an old shirt with messy hair, she was incredibly beautiful

She was happy and free

And then I sat confused

Where had that girl gone?

I still own her same clothes, same jewelry, same shoes

And I’m not her

I have become jaded in the past year

My heart has gotten twisted

And my path has sharply turned

That girl wouldn’t spend time with people she didn’t enjoy

She would rather be alone and make art

She would not share her heart with anyone and everyone

She enjoyed being independent and alone too much

Watching her every move, feelings surfaced

What does she have that I don’t anymore?

Candor in her beliefs and words, bravery to be herself and an intolerance to be anything different

What would she think of the life I am living right now?

She would smirk and say “another challenge”

Am I still that bright eyed, curious, fearless girl?

I’m not so sure

And here I sit

Coincidentally wearing the clothes she wore in the video

Looking like her, remembering what it felt like to be her

And I feel like myself

These feelings keep on coming in waves

When I moved here, I was her

I was fearless, free and ecstatic

I believed the best would always happen to me

Because I was a positivity magnet

Somewhere along the freezing short days and long nights

I stopped believing that

I dove into my grief

And I mourned what I now know as the loss of my free spirit

I didn’t lose her though

I just accessed a part of me that had been suppressed for years

I don’t feel anxiety like she did

Yes, she is glowing in the video and she is smiling

And she was riddled with anxiety

Still trying to figure out the remedy

I don’t know how I figured it out

Maybe it was just diving face first into it

I’m not sure

And I rarely feel the anxiety she felt

I also don’t live her lifestyle

I work 8-5 and sometimes it sucks my soul

She would cackle at me for saying that

Her advice would be “move on and what’s right will follow”

I don’t go to the beach everyday like she did

I don’t walk downtown barefoot

And I don’t share a twin bed with my boyfriend

My eyes are still hazel flecked with yellow

I still wear my retainer at night

And I still am curious as can be

Do I love where I am in life right now?

I’m not sure love is the right word

I do appreciate it

Am I truly happy?

I am happy, just a different happy than before

What’s the advice I would give to myself a year from now?

Listen to your gut. You always know.