aware

I stepped

carefully

slowly

toe heel

toe heel 

on to the cooled 

cement

9:14 am

this is the first time 

I have felt my body

my feet

my legs

walk

in over ten days

I bought my dog a bone today. I was sad to see I had to hold it for her to enjoy it. Her leg doesn’t work anymore. I don’t mind. After 20 minutes, I let her figure it out on her own. She knows her body. She resulted to laying and staring at me.

***

Last week I went to see my grandmother who is very sick. I wasn’t aware of how sick is very sick. She wanted to move from the hospital to home, to die. I slept next to her the first night. She woke up, one AM, herself. At seven AM, she was a completely different person.

***

I went to bed last night, being who I want to be. I woke up feeling how I’ve felt for months now. Living the reality that is slowly drying out, dying. I know why this is, and I still fall in to the same pattern. Less often than before though.

***

My life is full of death, and I am not scared. Or am I? Is that what the waking up at three AM is about? What the intense race against time is about? The needing to walk my path NOW, is about? Or is it just how life goes? I ask these questions and I don’t really care to know the answer.

balance

I swear I'm weightless

with the change in the wind
off I go

To be painfully
steadily
rooted
nailed
to this reality

This is okay
I grit
through the pain

To live
in both worlds
is my forever
task

tidal waves

Feelings come in sets of tidal waves

I am brought out to sea
tumbling for what feels like
an eternity

Stuck under the powerful currents
I remember
don’t fight
Relax

It’s only then
can I breathe
surfacing
I search for the ground
my feet are met by no-thing
I am too far from shore

So I swim
and swim
and swim
and swim
through the discarded emotions

The moment I touch land
Ah! Sweet land!
I pass out

My exhausted body
unable to pull myself
a centimeter further

When I wake
my hands no longer
resemble my grandmothers
my skin
warm to touch
I was gifted more kisses
from the sun

Everything is a blur.
Did I experience that?

I look to the ocean
she is calm
glittering

she’s the most beautiful thing
I have ever seen