On getting crossed

Hate looks really bad on me. So does resentment. My eyes become perma-bloodshot and my skin breaks out. I am constantly overheated and I don’t sleep soundly. You think I’m kidding (or out of my mind), I’m not. You have probably heard the saying that hating someone or something is like drinking your own poison. For me, it quite literally feels like that.

I was hurt. Then I was sad. Then I was angry. So effing (your welcome mom for not cussing) angry. I wanted to spit fire, yet I knew better not to. What would I get in return to react and hurt another? Why was I angry? Because someone did not like me and find me attractive? Because someone was straight up rude to me? Because I believe the things they said? Nope, I was angry because my ego was threatened. I was angry because I had treated them very kindly and put out my hand when I felt it was dangerous. I was angry because I felt I had received a wrath I did not deserve. I was angry because it’s easier to feel angry than to feel hurt.

And just like that the anger is recognized. However, my body has paid for it.

So how do I let go of anger? How do I let go of hurt? How do I act lovingly to myself when I have to see that person every day? How do I act lovingly to them when I just want to teach them they cannot treat others in that way? The answer is simple--stay grounded and keep my energy internal. For someone like me, that is a challenging practice that needs maintaining every day. What does that mean? It means for me to recognize my emotions, their flighty nature and to focus on my heart. I know that sounds corny, and maybe it is. For me, it works. I am a visual and kinesthetic person, so this makes sense to me. As I touch my sternum, I feel grounded. I feel warmth and I feel a knowing that I will be okay. I feel lucky to have this practice because it’s incredibly simple. No, I am not religious, though I may be a witch. And no, it likely won’t work for you because you are different than I. And I am different than you.

Letting go of what hurts us, in this case anger, is a choice.

Anger goes hand in hand with being a fiery person. That, I definitely am. Watery too. A bizarre mix. I am constantly looking for ways to balance the two. Be kind, yet hold boundaries. Be empathetic, yet feisty. Be deep, yet wild. I am reminded of my nature; that I am not perfect, and I am trying my damned best to be my best self. And that's what matters, right? To go to sleep each night knowing I touched others hearts and I lived my day with the intention of kindness.

With that, I realize, this too is just another experience to teach me to balance the two.

decision changing

“You feel what you feel, and whatever you feel is valid; it doesn’t have to make sense. Feelings happen. Only when you believe your feelings are truth and feel an urgency to act on them do irrational feelings become bad decisions.” - Susan Lachmann

I wish someone had told me this before. Hell, maybe they have and I just wasn’t listening. I have a question for you. Where do you make decisions from? Is it from logic? Do things map out A, B, C? Do you hijack your feelings and listen to your brain? Do you make your decisions from feeling? Do you listen to your heart in the very moment you need to make the decision? Does it speak to you clearly? Or do you make your decision off of gut instinct? Do you feel throughout your entire being that this is the decision you need to make -- it’s black or white?

Life is full of decisions. We all know this. Every single moment we are called to make a decision. We decide how we sit at our desk. We decide what we want to think. We decide what task to do first. What we want for lunch. How we feel about what our friend just said.  How we will present ourselves each morning. Basically our every second is made up of decisions. We may not consciously be aware of the constant decisions, but we make them anyway. So what about the “big” decisions? You know, the ones that drastically change your life. The ones that sever a bond. That place you in a new environment from now until whenever. The ones that can flip you upside down. What about those? How do you make those?

Well, I will tell you how I make mine. I make mine solely off of feeling. I need to edit how I make them though. That may sound funny, and in a sick way, it kind of is. It has taken me this (24 years) long to find out that emotions do not make the best decision. WHAT?! Amanda just said that emotions are not the way?! Well, not entirely…

I have always made important decisions off of feelings. “But what will you do for work if you move to Uganda, Mandi?” My parents would ask. “I’ll figure it out,” I would respond.  I have never listened to logic. Ever. Maybe it’s that pesky rebel that loves to push my boundaries or maybe it’s just who I have been. If I felt like something was the right thing for me to do, I would do it. Key word, would. I do not think that making decisions off of sole feeling is serving me anymore. Nor do I think it is wise. Nope, I do not.

In the past few years I have learned the hard way. I have made split decisions based solely off of emotion and feeling multiple, multiple times. I have given up a kickass job, I have moved across the ocean, I have ended relationships and I have landed flat on my ass (multiple times). Did I think it was all necessary, well yes, otherwise it wouldn’t have taught me and I wouldn’t be here. Would I take back some of my actions if I could? Actually, yes. So this has got me thinking.

How can I edit my decision making? I have been watching others lately, and have noticed multiple different approaches; all of them being a combination of logic and gut feeling. I know it may sound silly, that as a full grown adult, I have to learn how to make decisions all over again. And I am proud that I am trying; that I am able to admit that what I had been doing was no longer working.  I have been taking mental notes on people that I admire and that have kickass emotion regulation and decision-making skills.  I don’t have any conclusions yet, but I look forward to the day that I do.

Until then, baby steps.