Being the heart breaker

I just wanted to text you this morning to tell you to have a good day.

I just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you and that I care so much about you.

I went searching for articles, writings, SOMETHING to help soothe my hurting heart.

Turns out, there isn’t much sympathy for the one who initiates the break up. Maybe they think that the decision for us was easy, otherwise we wouldn’t have done it. Maybe they think we made up our mind and we dug the grave and now we need to lay in it (okay, that was a little dramatic). Whatever the reason, no one is talking about being the one who calls it quits from a loving relationship. 

Maybe others just don’t know what it feels like. Well I will tell you what it feels like. It feels like you are sparing the other person a boatload of future pain and heartbreak by parting ways now. It feels like a cutting mistake in your heart, but the right decision in your mind because you know you cannot provide what they want and need. It’s going to sleep alone and thinking about them until your mind is too exhausted to continue. It’s distracting yourself with people, art, writing, exercise and still having that nagging want to connect with them; no matter your actions you think of them. Are they okay? Are they smiling right now? How can I be the most helpful in this situation? Is it not to contact them at all? Is it to lend them a hand if they are suffering? It’s confusing. There is no how-to book for these situations, when I wish there were. 

No, I am not saying it is more painful to be the one who breaks up with the other (even though in my experience, it is). I will not invalidate the pain of having your heart broken by another. It fucking hurts. But breaking your own heart, knowing you can selfishly choose to stay, that fucking hurts. It’s stretching who you are in this current moment to meet who you want to be. It’s taking the most honest action for this given moment. It’s loving the other person enough to share them with another who will give them what they want and need. 

I don’t have a relationship rulebook. I don’t have guidelines to go by. Quite honestly, I have found no two relationships are alike. Sure, there are similarities, but the people.. They have their own maps. 

So what does one do in a situation like this? As my friend told me yesterday, “close your eyes and take ten deep breaths”. That’s all I can do. Take it moment by moment.