Tribe

Today I was blessed with seeing a dear sister from Hawaii.

As I have spoken about, I have felt disconnected in the past few months; in limbo, unsure of anything, anyone and anywhere.

My relationships, quality of life and conscious choices have reflected this over and over.

Today, I was reminded of my belonging; that I have found my tribe. I have found members of my soul family in many places around the states. Hawaii being the most populated. They are just like me. Yet each unique. We don’t give a damn about what you do for a living. We care about what sparks your fire! We don’t have walls up around our hearts, we hold our heart in our hands willing to share what we have. We don’t beat around the bush. She asked me how I wasn’t losing my shit this winter. And I laughed. Straight to the point, damn I missed this!

When we speak to you, we listen. We care about you. We take chances and move quick, we know our time is short and there’s so much to experience.

(This is one of my loves from Hawaii; Julia)

Seeing my sister made me re-member all this. What I believe in. What I live for. How I live.

Her eyes were full of life, like I remembered. Days we spent at 4 mile soaking up the sun, dipping into the warm Pacific Ocean and I always remembered her eyes. Reflecting the clear teal water back at me; full of emotion, understanding and curiosity.  In the crisp mountain air I smiled, feeling the warmth of her presence washing over me.  Comfort, belonging, acceptance… It all came back to me.

I do belong.

You belong.

Your tribe is out there.

I promise.

I found mine

And damn, I’m grateful.

on loving

I’m a romantic

Ugh, I said it

I would deny that

over and over again

if I could

I love to love

I believe in love

I fall in love with someone new 

every month

I can’t help it

I love humans

I love how when we connect our hearts swell

our minds focus

we notice

the freckles sprinkled across his nose

the gold flecks in her eyes

the scar above his left eyebrow

I love the feeling of another’s hand holding mine

            You trust me

            I trust you

The tough callouses lining his palms

Her equal sized hand grasping mine

I love waking up tangled in another

sleepy eyes

morning snugs

cheek kisses

I love to make others feel loved

I love you.

There is such a stigma around those

Three

Little

Words

I don’t think I will ever understand it

And I will always say it when I feel it

I am not afraid to love

yet

I am terrified of rejection

I love with flying colors

It is a risk

I take often

I would rather love

Be vulnerable

risk my biggest fear

being unloved

Than never love at all

Contradiction

I am one giant walking contradiction

And I always have been

I crave loyalty and monogamy
Yet I crave freedom

No strings attached

I love to drink

And I know it is a false reality for me

I do it sparingly

until I don't

I believe in free love

Yet I practice selective love

I slip on the cement over nothing

Yet I can run miles without falling

The color yellow looks dreadful on me

and it’s my favorite color

I dream about love that’s eternal

and I practice friends with benefits

I love makeup

Yet I rarely wear it

I believe in balance

I have it fucking tattooed on my arm

Yet I am constantly scrambling for solid ground

I practice vulnerability

and I attract men who have walls

I come off as extroverted

and I love to be alone

I am fiery as hell

Yet my heart is watery as the ocean

I am generally kind, thoughtful

But can bite

Hard

if you cross me

Or someone underserving

I am empathetic

I feel for you, for others

Yet I sometimes can’t feel for myself

I live a life without roots

when I crave stability

solidity

I am ungraceful

yet I can speak gracefully

I don't know what the fuck I'm doing in life

and I know exactly what I am choosing day in and day out

coming back

It's funny
when we get away
from ourselves

When we
"change"
for others
and the wildness
is contained

Don't fool yourself
it will come out
it can break through
that glass case
you so
neatly placed it in

And when it does
make way

She will
come out
on fire
louder
than ever
cursing up a storm
"WHY THE FUCK
DID YOU DITCH ME?!
You will
never 
get rid of me!"


And you will
remember
the fire
the wildness
the freedom
the fearlessness
the impulsivity
the spontaneity

and you will welcome her
home

God damn you missed her.

November

What am I doing? Who am I today?

I have been asking myself this a lot lately. For years actually. When I was nineteen I realized I could do whatever I wanted. Whatever-- the sky is the limit. I still believe that, and it's liberating yet. It also cripples me time to time.

This past month a lot has changed. Not only for myself, but for many people around me as well. It seems like every week someone is reaching out to me giving me details on a big transition they are sorting through. I keep reminding myself there is no use in labeling the change as "good" or "bad". It just happens.

I know, I know…. "Change is the only thing constant". Thank you, World. I know. Sometimes change just knocks you flat on your ass. In my case, flat on my ass on ice.

Yes, it fucking hurts. In some cases it weirdly stings. But every time, I laugh. It's unexpected! How can you not? Plus laughter makes it hurt a little less. With the multiple (literal)  falls I have taken I have become more aware. I hold hands with others for support. I tread a little lighter and recognize I could be taken for surprise at any moment.

So, thank you slippery as fuck ice. You have taught me to reach out. You have taught me that sometimes I have to brave things alone. Maybe I fall, but I laugh every time. I still get where I am going, sometimes I just get bruised.

That's how my life has been going lately. I haven't written lately. I have been concentrated on what's in front of me. On the people that love me. On my dreams and placing them into a reality that I am working towards. I have been feeling waves of emotions and damn! They knock me out sometimes! With each time I am getting up quicker, reaching for support and finding it. Sorting through difficult feelings I can use to move forward, to learn from. Sometimes alcohol confuses me, sometimes lack of sleep has me in a alternate world. And I'm still here. Moving, breathing, and loving. How can I not?

Life is such a ebb and flow. I hate routine. I drive different ways around town to keep my mind active. I delete people's numbers so I can memorize them. I wake up at different times every morning. I asked for constant change. And I have gotten it.

I wouldn't say I am in a rough patch. I just continue to remind myself

  Now is Now.

sensitive

To all you sensitive people out there~

I feel you
I know you understand this
because you feel me too

We crave interaction like we crave solitude
we need it
but only a certain amount

I understand you
The feeling when you walk into a room and you are hit by a wall of emotion
"How can I help you?" you think
and those of you who are well versed,
you ask.

The mood needs to improve
you are drowning in something
it doesn't belong to you

You would rather make tension dissipate
than breathe another breath
it is poison

You can't help but love those you meet
You feel for them
quite literally

You want to show others love
not the shallow namaste shit we hear in our vinyasa classes
but the love you have experienced
time and time again

You know
The love you give, you also receive

You don't shy away from people
who think they are unlovable
you feel empathy
and give what you can
without getting sucked in

Boundaries are like unicorns to us
Do they exist
maybe
if they are there
we don't see them

Sensitivity is a
double edged sword
my darling

We have the choice to use it as a
  tool
or have others use it against us as a
  weapon

We get to make the choice

It isn't always easy
No
it's rarely easy

We will make the painful choice
a few times
and hurt so deeply
it may just consume us

and just like that
we bounce back
quickly

That's the beauty of sensitivity
we feel deeply 
yes
the hurt
hurts
but the sweetness
the joy
the love
It is all worth it

night time.

All I want right now is a body
I don't care who
my bed is
Cold
As
Fuck

It could be him who
comes over

But who the fuck am I kidding?

That's a suicide mission

One hug

leads to

One kiss

Maybe not even that

Worse

possible rejection

I dreamt of the rejection

my biggest fear

being unloved

In my dream

I accepted it

it stung a little

but it didn't break me

It's not him

who can hurt me

it is me

who can hurt me