November

What am I doing? Who am I today?

I have been asking myself this a lot lately. For years actually. When I was nineteen I realized I could do whatever I wanted. Whatever-- the sky is the limit. I still believe that, and it's liberating yet. It also cripples me time to time.

This past month a lot has changed. Not only for myself, but for many people around me as well. It seems like every week someone is reaching out to me giving me details on a big transition they are sorting through. I keep reminding myself there is no use in labeling the change as "good" or "bad". It just happens.

I know, I know…. "Change is the only thing constant". Thank you, World. I know. Sometimes change just knocks you flat on your ass. In my case, flat on my ass on ice.

Yes, it fucking hurts. In some cases it weirdly stings. But every time, I laugh. It's unexpected! How can you not? Plus laughter makes it hurt a little less. With the multiple (literal)  falls I have taken I have become more aware. I hold hands with others for support. I tread a little lighter and recognize I could be taken for surprise at any moment.

So, thank you slippery as fuck ice. You have taught me to reach out. You have taught me that sometimes I have to brave things alone. Maybe I fall, but I laugh every time. I still get where I am going, sometimes I just get bruised.

That's how my life has been going lately. I haven't written lately. I have been concentrated on what's in front of me. On the people that love me. On my dreams and placing them into a reality that I am working towards. I have been feeling waves of emotions and damn! They knock me out sometimes! With each time I am getting up quicker, reaching for support and finding it. Sorting through difficult feelings I can use to move forward, to learn from. Sometimes alcohol confuses me, sometimes lack of sleep has me in a alternate world. And I'm still here. Moving, breathing, and loving. How can I not?

Life is such a ebb and flow. I hate routine. I drive different ways around town to keep my mind active. I delete people's numbers so I can memorize them. I wake up at different times every morning. I asked for constant change. And I have gotten it.

I wouldn't say I am in a rough patch. I just continue to remind myself

  Now is Now.