the ones you feel
so deep in your core
It doesn't matter
if you are
lovers
sisters
brothers
friends
Together,
you can face
it all
I feel like a broken record. In the past year, I have lost (well, in some cases, shifted) three really important relationships in my life. It has been ugly and excruciatingly painful. It has been heart break, questioning until light danced through my blinds, waking up pinned to my bed, poems writing themselves through tears and a loss of identity and community.
I know that sounds extreme, because it is. The three most important people in my life (in Bend), my boyfriend, my "brother", and my roommate/best friend, all disappeared in a month. Now, when I say "disappeared", I don't mean they vanished. Quite the opposite, they continued to exist, just without me being an important player in their lives. I think that is the dagger in my heart; space didn't part us, disagreements did.
I am stubborn, but I am not that stubborn. I admit when I'm wrong, and in arguments, I am usually the first one to belly up. That is why, this summer, hell this whole year, has been so difficult for me.
Everything was sparked by my job ending. I was heartbroken. Relieved, and completely heartbroken. In heartbreak, I destroy. I am not sure if this is a normal reaction. For myself, when things go haywire, it all goes haywire. Two weeks after quitting my job, I ended my relationship. I felt guilty for being immersed in my head and beginning to intertwine with another human being (which was a giant mistake).
A week after that, my roommate and I got into a rather large disagreement about a guy (how STUPID), and our relationship was forever changed. This is the one that hurt the most. Previous to all the madness, we were inseparable..... well separated by work. Partners in crime and in fun. Fire and ice. It wasn't the party girl relationship. It was oh-fuck-what-did-you-do-I-got-your-back relationship. The relationship you don't think about, because you know the other's heart and you know that nothing could stop the love between you. Well, we were wrong. Kinda. Our tift tore me from the inside out. Already heartbroken, I was unable to see clearly. Previously believing we were so similar, we were gravely mistaken. Kind, she is not always sensitive. Sensitive, I am not always kind.
It took months, history repeated itself, and we are no longer best friends. In fact, we both avoided our house. Fast forward to months later, the love still exists, we laugh together still, have each other's backs, and still are sisters. It has just changed. In fact, the poem above is about her.
And lastly, I lost a dear friend to me. He is the most stubborn person I know. We felt like siblings, and often acted like it. I pushed his buttons too hard, something I am good at, and he decided he didn't want to be connected. This hurt. We were in school together. He helped me through my shit storm, and his heart is laced with gold. I know that once his mind is made up, it is made up. I still think of him from time to time, all the while saying "I love you. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you." That's the Hawaiian saying, and I pray to Pele and Poliahu that he feels it.
So that was dragged out. A big SPLAT! explaining that which has been my life in the last six months. I feel well now. With each relationship shifting, I have welcomed in new hearts and minds.
Twenty-five has been quite the experience. I never knew my heart was so fragile. Here's a picture of me in the middle of it. It's sad, and a little funny... I couldn't even wear my clothes right side out.
