Gray

The Gray.

Oh the gray.
Gray skies, gray moods
Gray walls, gray sheets

Everything is gray
my mood
my single strand of hair
my eyes
my outlook

I have forever feared the gray
the place where no thing looks different
everything the same monotonous color
the same pace
the same feeling

I have avoided it for years
maybe even for lifetimes

I don't belong in the gray

It feels heavy
a burden that I didn't sign up to carry
a person that no longer connects with me
a habit that no longer serves me
extra weight that is slowing me down

The gray and I have not been friends

But today, well today, I may just befriend it

decision changing

“You feel what you feel, and whatever you feel is valid; it doesn’t have to make sense. Feelings happen. Only when you believe your feelings are truth and feel an urgency to act on them do irrational feelings become bad decisions.” - Susan Lachmann

I wish someone had told me this before. Hell, maybe they have and I just wasn’t listening. I have a question for you. Where do you make decisions from? Is it from logic? Do things map out A, B, C? Do you hijack your feelings and listen to your brain? Do you make your decisions from feeling? Do you listen to your heart in the very moment you need to make the decision? Does it speak to you clearly? Or do you make your decision off of gut instinct? Do you feel throughout your entire being that this is the decision you need to make -- it’s black or white?

Life is full of decisions. We all know this. Every single moment we are called to make a decision. We decide how we sit at our desk. We decide what we want to think. We decide what task to do first. What we want for lunch. How we feel about what our friend just said.  How we will present ourselves each morning. Basically our every second is made up of decisions. We may not consciously be aware of the constant decisions, but we make them anyway. So what about the “big” decisions? You know, the ones that drastically change your life. The ones that sever a bond. That place you in a new environment from now until whenever. The ones that can flip you upside down. What about those? How do you make those?

Well, I will tell you how I make mine. I make mine solely off of feeling. I need to edit how I make them though. That may sound funny, and in a sick way, it kind of is. It has taken me this (24 years) long to find out that emotions do not make the best decision. WHAT?! Amanda just said that emotions are not the way?! Well, not entirely…

I have always made important decisions off of feelings. “But what will you do for work if you move to Uganda, Mandi?” My parents would ask. “I’ll figure it out,” I would respond.  I have never listened to logic. Ever. Maybe it’s that pesky rebel that loves to push my boundaries or maybe it’s just who I have been. If I felt like something was the right thing for me to do, I would do it. Key word, would. I do not think that making decisions off of sole feeling is serving me anymore. Nor do I think it is wise. Nope, I do not.

In the past few years I have learned the hard way. I have made split decisions based solely off of emotion and feeling multiple, multiple times. I have given up a kickass job, I have moved across the ocean, I have ended relationships and I have landed flat on my ass (multiple times). Did I think it was all necessary, well yes, otherwise it wouldn’t have taught me and I wouldn’t be here. Would I take back some of my actions if I could? Actually, yes. So this has got me thinking.

How can I edit my decision making? I have been watching others lately, and have noticed multiple different approaches; all of them being a combination of logic and gut feeling. I know it may sound silly, that as a full grown adult, I have to learn how to make decisions all over again. And I am proud that I am trying; that I am able to admit that what I had been doing was no longer working.  I have been taking mental notes on people that I admire and that have kickass emotion regulation and decision-making skills.  I don’t have any conclusions yet, but I look forward to the day that I do.

Until then, baby steps.

Being the heart breaker

I just wanted to text you this morning to tell you to have a good day.

I just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you and that I care so much about you.

I went searching for articles, writings, SOMETHING to help soothe my hurting heart.

Turns out, there isn’t much sympathy for the one who initiates the break up. Maybe they think that the decision for us was easy, otherwise we wouldn’t have done it. Maybe they think we made up our mind and we dug the grave and now we need to lay in it (okay, that was a little dramatic). Whatever the reason, no one is talking about being the one who calls it quits from a loving relationship. 

Maybe others just don’t know what it feels like. Well I will tell you what it feels like. It feels like you are sparing the other person a boatload of future pain and heartbreak by parting ways now. It feels like a cutting mistake in your heart, but the right decision in your mind because you know you cannot provide what they want and need. It’s going to sleep alone and thinking about them until your mind is too exhausted to continue. It’s distracting yourself with people, art, writing, exercise and still having that nagging want to connect with them; no matter your actions you think of them. Are they okay? Are they smiling right now? How can I be the most helpful in this situation? Is it not to contact them at all? Is it to lend them a hand if they are suffering? It’s confusing. There is no how-to book for these situations, when I wish there were. 

No, I am not saying it is more painful to be the one who breaks up with the other (even though in my experience, it is). I will not invalidate the pain of having your heart broken by another. It fucking hurts. But breaking your own heart, knowing you can selfishly choose to stay, that fucking hurts. It’s stretching who you are in this current moment to meet who you want to be. It’s taking the most honest action for this given moment. It’s loving the other person enough to share them with another who will give them what they want and need. 

I don’t have a relationship rulebook. I don’t have guidelines to go by. Quite honestly, I have found no two relationships are alike. Sure, there are similarities, but the people.. They have their own maps. 

So what does one do in a situation like this? As my friend told me yesterday, “close your eyes and take ten deep breaths”. That’s all I can do. Take it moment by moment. 

Not knowing.

I used to think I had it all figured out. I knew that when I believed in something whole-heartedly, I could make it happen. And I did. I believed only great things happened to me. And they did. I believed that the way to get over hardship was to have a little bit more compassion, to listen more intently, to love more fearlessly. I believed everything was simple, and it was.

To an outsider, I know how these beliefs look. If you are logical, you are rolling your eyes at my fairy tale thinking. If you are a ‘realist’ you are writing me off. If you are a person that has experienced hardship after hardship, you’re likely thinking, “just you wait sister, you will get your cup of tea”. And if you know me well, you are smiling, thinking, “that sounds about right”.

Whatever your reaction, it was how I felt. And I still feel like that, to an extent. I’m realizing with each day, that I don’t really know much. Sure, I know how I feel, I know how I might react, I know facts about random things. But I don’t know answers. I can’t predict the near future (I’m talkin’ like a week from now). I can’t tell you what you should do. I can’t tell you about love and relationships. And I surely can’t tell you what is “right” from “wrong”.

Those are all things we, as individuals, need to figure out for ourselves. Knowing that, doesn’t make it any easier. I wish I could just depend on what my mom says and take her word as my truth. And many people actually do that. I’m too curious.

I have compassionate, insightful friends that help me sort out my confusion, but even then, I have to filter their insights.

Does that feel right in my core? Does it give me goose bumps? In the scheme of things, does that make sense to me? Has that made sense to me before?

I am 24 years old and I feel like I am 18. 

I am 24 years old and I feel like I am 40.

I am 24 years old and I don’t understand age.

I am walking the fine line of what people expect of me and what is really me. I would argue many of us are. For those lucky ones, you don’t have a line to walk. Or maybe you do, you have just not realized it yet, or you are content with where you are and you haven’t thought much about it otherwise.

I’ve walked this line many times before. Actually, it’s where I live my life. Maybe that sounds depressing, and it’s anything but that. It’s actually quite fun!

Maybe you live your life on the line too. Maybe it’s the same line. Maybe the line doesn’t exist at all.

I don’t know.

And here I am again. Not knowing.

I’m beginning to believe that year twenty-four is the year of questions.

It's a good thing I love questions.

glass

I’m so sorry, I say

whispering

searching his eyes for familiarity

He doesn’t look up

He won’t look at me

His amber eyes stay glued to the dark blue duvet

I sit quietly

Mind a hazy horizon

What way is up?

What is down?

My heart has cracked

It’s physically aching

I look around the room

His scent surrounds me

I feel comforted

I reach for his hand

He doesn’t reciprocate

I look back to his sweet face

He is looking at me

I can see the fear in his eyes

I hear the vulnerability in his voice

He is so beautiful

I knew this before, and I know this now

The way he loves is unlike that I have seen

The way his eyes sharpen when he is concentrating

The way he asserts himself in all confidence that he will succeed

The way his voice softens when he tells me how much he cares about me

He is so beautiful.

And I am here

Wondering, what is the right thing to do?

I care about him, deeply, entirely

I would do anything for him

And the gentle voice is telling me to back up

Take a breather, she says

Slow down

Ground yourself

Who are you right now?

Why are you acting in ways that are no longer you?

Take a step back

I look at him

I tell him I am sorry

Hot tears stain my skin

I am listening to her.

I need to balance on my own for right now, I say

He has grounded me

And I need to ground me

generous love

His oversized hands gently caress my hair

I can’t open my eyes

The sun gleaming through the cracked shades is too bold, too shocking

Sleep permeates my room

I lay there motionless

Maybe he will go back to sleep

Maybe he will love me in that half assed fashion

And will stop touching me and flip over

Hey, he tried to wake me up briefly

And he sweetly continues to run his fingers through my hair

He doesn’t speak

He loves on me

He moves to my arms

Barely skimming their surface

Fingertips touching so lightly

Giving me chills to my bone

I open one eye, bearing to see this sweet thing’s face

He’s smiling

Eyes half open

Kind, large, vulnerable, amber brown

He doesn’t speak

He carefully moves me closer to him

Holding me for the last few minutes before he has to leave our cocoon

He kisses me all over

Tenderly and generously with no words

I know he expects nothing in return

And I’m not used to this

I can smell his skin as he moves around me gently

I relax completely

This is how it feels to be taken care of

I smile, slowly opening my heavy eyes

Good Morning Sweets

I say

And he smiles

Hugging me tighter, softly kissing my cheeks

He knows how to love another

He is beginning to understand how I work

And I am letting him in

comparison

I watched a video of myself from a year ago

And I was jealous of her

She had glowing skin, playful eyes and words dripped from her mouth like sweet honey

She spoke of her life and how much she was learning

The words were authentic and pure

Wearing an old shirt with messy hair, she was incredibly beautiful

She was happy and free

And then I sat confused

Where had that girl gone?

I still own her same clothes, same jewelry, same shoes

And I’m not her

I have become jaded in the past year

My heart has gotten twisted

And my path has sharply turned

That girl wouldn’t spend time with people she didn’t enjoy

She would rather be alone and make art

She would not share her heart with anyone and everyone

She enjoyed being independent and alone too much

Watching her every move, feelings surfaced

What does she have that I don’t anymore?

Candor in her beliefs and words, bravery to be herself and an intolerance to be anything different

What would she think of the life I am living right now?

She would smirk and say “another challenge”

Am I still that bright eyed, curious, fearless girl?

I’m not so sure

And here I sit

Coincidentally wearing the clothes she wore in the video

Looking like her, remembering what it felt like to be her

And I feel like myself

These feelings keep on coming in waves

When I moved here, I was her

I was fearless, free and ecstatic

I believed the best would always happen to me

Because I was a positivity magnet

Somewhere along the freezing short days and long nights

I stopped believing that

I dove into my grief

And I mourned what I now know as the loss of my free spirit

I didn’t lose her though

I just accessed a part of me that had been suppressed for years

I don’t feel anxiety like she did

Yes, she is glowing in the video and she is smiling

And she was riddled with anxiety

Still trying to figure out the remedy

I don’t know how I figured it out

Maybe it was just diving face first into it

I’m not sure

And I rarely feel the anxiety she felt

I also don’t live her lifestyle

I work 8-5 and sometimes it sucks my soul

She would cackle at me for saying that

Her advice would be “move on and what’s right will follow”

I don’t go to the beach everyday like she did

I don’t walk downtown barefoot

And I don’t share a twin bed with my boyfriend

My eyes are still hazel flecked with yellow

I still wear my retainer at night

And I still am curious as can be

Do I love where I am in life right now?

I’m not sure love is the right word

I do appreciate it

Am I truly happy?

I am happy, just a different happy than before

What’s the advice I would give to myself a year from now?

Listen to your gut. You always know.