generous love

His oversized hands gently caress my hair

I can’t open my eyes

The sun gleaming through the cracked shades is too bold, too shocking

Sleep permeates my room

I lay there motionless

Maybe he will go back to sleep

Maybe he will love me in that half assed fashion

And will stop touching me and flip over

Hey, he tried to wake me up briefly

And he sweetly continues to run his fingers through my hair

He doesn’t speak

He loves on me

He moves to my arms

Barely skimming their surface

Fingertips touching so lightly

Giving me chills to my bone

I open one eye, bearing to see this sweet thing’s face

He’s smiling

Eyes half open

Kind, large, vulnerable, amber brown

He doesn’t speak

He carefully moves me closer to him

Holding me for the last few minutes before he has to leave our cocoon

He kisses me all over

Tenderly and generously with no words

I know he expects nothing in return

And I’m not used to this

I can smell his skin as he moves around me gently

I relax completely

This is how it feels to be taken care of

I smile, slowly opening my heavy eyes

Good Morning Sweets

I say

And he smiles

Hugging me tighter, softly kissing my cheeks

He knows how to love another

He is beginning to understand how I work

And I am letting him in

comparison

I watched a video of myself from a year ago

And I was jealous of her

She had glowing skin, playful eyes and words dripped from her mouth like sweet honey

She spoke of her life and how much she was learning

The words were authentic and pure

Wearing an old shirt with messy hair, she was incredibly beautiful

She was happy and free

And then I sat confused

Where had that girl gone?

I still own her same clothes, same jewelry, same shoes

And I’m not her

I have become jaded in the past year

My heart has gotten twisted

And my path has sharply turned

That girl wouldn’t spend time with people she didn’t enjoy

She would rather be alone and make art

She would not share her heart with anyone and everyone

She enjoyed being independent and alone too much

Watching her every move, feelings surfaced

What does she have that I don’t anymore?

Candor in her beliefs and words, bravery to be herself and an intolerance to be anything different

What would she think of the life I am living right now?

She would smirk and say “another challenge”

Am I still that bright eyed, curious, fearless girl?

I’m not so sure

And here I sit

Coincidentally wearing the clothes she wore in the video

Looking like her, remembering what it felt like to be her

And I feel like myself

These feelings keep on coming in waves

When I moved here, I was her

I was fearless, free and ecstatic

I believed the best would always happen to me

Because I was a positivity magnet

Somewhere along the freezing short days and long nights

I stopped believing that

I dove into my grief

And I mourned what I now know as the loss of my free spirit

I didn’t lose her though

I just accessed a part of me that had been suppressed for years

I don’t feel anxiety like she did

Yes, she is glowing in the video and she is smiling

And she was riddled with anxiety

Still trying to figure out the remedy

I don’t know how I figured it out

Maybe it was just diving face first into it

I’m not sure

And I rarely feel the anxiety she felt

I also don’t live her lifestyle

I work 8-5 and sometimes it sucks my soul

She would cackle at me for saying that

Her advice would be “move on and what’s right will follow”

I don’t go to the beach everyday like she did

I don’t walk downtown barefoot

And I don’t share a twin bed with my boyfriend

My eyes are still hazel flecked with yellow

I still wear my retainer at night

And I still am curious as can be

Do I love where I am in life right now?

I’m not sure love is the right word

I do appreciate it

Am I truly happy?

I am happy, just a different happy than before

What’s the advice I would give to myself a year from now?

Listen to your gut. You always know.

  

For Phil

This is for Phil.

My heart is swollen. If you know me, you know this. I love most people I meet. I will embrace who you are and I will feel kindly to you. I have been like this most my life, accepting people with my best interest and not. With all this love, there are very few I hold in the lock box inside my heart. Phil is one of them.

Phil is different. When I met him I was freshly out of wilderness therapy, with a raw heart and knotted hair. We met downtown at a petting zoo. When we met it wasn’t fireworks, it was instant friendship. I can remember first seeing the twinkle in his eye as he excitedly jumped in the petting zoo. I recognized his excitement, it matched my own.

From the day we met, when I was 19, we became inseparable. I had never felt this type of companionship. He was outrageous, singing loudly, eating weird gas station food, jamming out to his headphones and making a grand entrance day after day. He was loving, always welcoming me with a big hug, a twinkle in his eye and affirming words. The days fast forward, he was my best friend. There was no thing he didn’t know and he loved me anyways.

I know this may sound like a typical love story, and who knows, maybe it is to you. To me it is the story of meeting my first soul mate.

Time wore on and it was Phil and I against the world. We laughed our asses off every night. From being stoned on the couch and poking each other (yes, we are easy to entertain) to dancing in our front yard with Kuna Louise. When we weren’t laughing, we were having a heart to heart. I was in love with him. Entirely, and completely. And I knew he was in love with me.

Time wore on and it got the best of me. With transferring to a new “big kid” school and being out of my comfort zone, I couldn’t adapt. Yes, I feel like I am a master at adapting, and this time around, I was struggling. In typical Amanda fashion, I changed everything. I changed the food I ate, the clothes I wore, the beliefs I once held, the home I lived in, and I changed my relationship status.

Quickly after moving to Eugene, Phil and I broke up. It was absolutely one of the hardest things I have ever done. I can remember looking in the mirror before we talked and hating what I saw. Who had I become? Where did Mandi go? Why did I feel this way? What the fuck is my issue? And I knew I had to do it. We talked and I cried, a lot. We lived only half a block away from each other and I was sinking slowly.

He knew.

It was not the typical break up. Yes, there were hurt feelings, and we still loved each other hard. Every day my heart hurt. I was so fucking confused, I didn’t know up from down. I knew how badly I had hurt him and it fucking crushed me. I know Phil is the most resilient human being on this earth, and it still weighed me down.

Time passed on and I quickly was sucked into one the darkest periods of my life. There was (literally) no sunshine in my life. Everything was gray and I was losing my fucking mind. I was living with my childhood best friend and her best friend (whom now is one of mine) and I slowly became a shell of myself. I got a horrible skin rash on my face, lost more than twenty pounds and began to lose my hair. I no longer cared what I looked like. I did not socialize and did not have the energy to go out.

I remember falling into this well. Phil eagerly put out his hand to pull me out. I grabbed it, crying and guilty. Why was he helping me when I just hurt him so deeply? I didn’t deserve his love. Everyday he would come over lively and knock on my bedroom door. If he hadn’t done this, I don’t know where I would be, and I mean that. With my skin red and raw, he told me I was beautiful, day in and day out. I had never felt so unlovable in all of my life. He hugged me while I cried and told him of my stuck mindset. He cried with me. Where had his best friend gone?

I remember one particularly bad morning, he texted me to come over, he always knew when I was struggling. I most definitely was not okay. On the walk over, hot tears ran down my face. What the fuck was wrong with me? When he opened the door, I immediately fell onto his familiar couch and cried. He put his arms around me and listened to me cry. He held my hands and empathetically didn’t say a word and held space for my massive pain.

He asked his mom for help. He let my friends know I was struggling, he connected with my parents. Why did I deserve this angel in my life? Why did he still love me? Why was he so kind and supportive of me? I asked myself these questions everyday.

To get some (literal) sunshine in my life, we drove to Bend every weekend for nine weeks straight. He didn’t care he was new to Eugene and trying to make new friends. He felt my pain and would do anything to stop it. Even though I had stopped loving me, he hadn’t.

During our last trip in the spring, months after moving to Eugene, we sat outside of Looney Bean letting our translucent skin be warmed by the sun. He put his arm around me and told me he saw flickers of myself coming back, and how much he had missed me. Fuck. I missed me. And just like that, the spell had been lifted.

Slowly, very slowly, I began the crawl out of the deep dark well of depression. Phil was waiting at the top with a flashlight encouraging my every move. On weekends, he always texted me to hang out to do things I once enjoyed.  And I went. Sometimes it was difficult, and he was always there, smiling, and being himself.

I began to feel like myself again. I ate food I liked, I smiled more often, I combed my knotted hair, I went out on the weekends. And Phil was by my side with every step of the way, giving me positive encouragement and all the love I needed to heal.

As I write this now, I am flooded with gratitude and deep love. I cried the whole time writing this for it still is fresh in my memory. Phil has reinforced everything that I believe in and stand for. Love has no boundaries. And when you love someone, just because you break up does not mean you have to cut that person out. If you loved them before, the love can shift.

Why do I deserve Phil? I will never know. I stopped asking when I realized we are in this for life. Together. He is my family. He is my blood. My brothers love him as their own. And my parents love and treat him as their own. Phil’s heart is possibly the biggest (and most playful) I have ever experienced, and to have experienced it has been the biggest gift. He will always make me smile. He will always have that twinkle in his eye. And he will always be apart of my family.

I am searching for words to further describe how I feel, and there are none.

Phil, if you are reading this, I know you teared up ;).

I will tell you what I always tell you. I love you. And I am so fucking proud of you. Yes, you drive me crazy when you change the music every thirty seconds, and I couldn’t ask for a better co-pilot.  Thank you, for everything.

To the next man I love

To the next man I love,

I hope you are ready. I hope that you can stand on your own two feet and that you don’t need me. I hope that you are happy living as you do now and that having me in your life will just be a positive addition. I don’t want you to make me your life. I don’t want my spontaneous energy to over take you. I will surprise you. I will love you. I will see you for who you really are. I will tell you everyday how special you are, how I appreciate who you are as a human being. I will push you too. Not to be mean, but because I know what I believe in and it may rub up against your beliefs. If they are different, all the better. I will ask you endless questions, trying to understand what you believe and why. You will intrigue me. I will not shoot down your thoughts, your feelings, your dreams or your actions. I will validate them. I will ask you the questions you have never thought of. When we argue, please be gentle. Hear me like I hear you. I am strong, quick-witted and damn stubborn. I can dish it out, and I can take it. Just remember, I have a heart as big as my personality.

You may feel perplexed when you see me crying out of seemingly nowhere. Please hug me. I can comfort myself, and it always feels good to be held. I likely am just confused. I am confused often. When I am over crying you will know. A smirk may stretch across my face and you should go with it. For emotions hit me like the wind. Suddenly strong, and then gone. If it is too much for you, tell me, kindly. We may not be a fit. I want you to love me as I love you.

I hope you are confident in yourself and our love. I love you. I love you more than you know. And I love many other people. I will connect with them as I do with you; deeply, intuitively and whole-heartedly. Remember, you are the one I choose to be with. Jealousy will not make me feel secure; it will annoy the fuck out of me. I will tell you too. If it continues, I will leave.

When winter comes, know how I operate will shift. I will need that extra hug in the morning. I will sleep longer, and shower more often. I will need to workout more, and if you want to, join me! Every winter is becoming easier and easier, yet I still struggle. I will be vocal with you. I will tell you what I need and when I don’t have words for it, just sit with me. Words will come. If you are struggling too, you can count on me. I will always be your biggest cheerleader. And I will always be responsible for myself. If you ever need that extra hand, I’ll lend you it.

Come spring and summer, you will see me shift yet again. My eyes will be greener, my skin clearer. I shift quickly. You will learn this quickly. You may struggle to keep up, and I may frustrate you. Tell me. Hold your ground. Let’s talk about it. How can we get on the same page? Know I will always be open to feedback and talking about issues. If you say nothing is wrong and you are lying, I will know. I will know before you even speak the words. I can read feelings better than I can speak words.

I will always be down to adventure. I am spontaneous as I am sensitive. Surprise me. I know I will surprise you. Let’s camp. I belong in the outdoors. And if you are dating me, you likely do too. Let’s go to your parent’s house. Let’s plant flowers in their garden. You want to go to Colorado? Give me a month to let my work know and I am ready!

If you get tired of me, do your own thing. I will always understand. I need alone time too. I need my friends as much as I need to get exercise. Know I want you to take the best care of yourself as you can. I will be doing it for myself. Our love may have shifted since the beginning. I don’t love you any less. You are my best friend. When I tell you that, I mean it. I will tell you about all my other best friends too. I have many family members that are not of blood. And you, you are different.

Expect nothing of me; yet hold me to my own standards. Call me out when I am not taking care of myself. Do it gently. If I am in flux, unsure of everything and anything, know I am sure about you. If I weren’t, I wouldn’t be with you. I can promise you that. When everything is up in the air in my life, don’t panic. Know I always figure out my shit and I always end up making a decision.  If I am making you feel uneasy, take time away from me. Take care of you. Always take care of you first.

Know that I am sensitive to feelings, people, foods, stimulants, energy and you. I am very sensitive to you. Things affect me differently than others. I know it may perplex you, believe me, it perplexes me. Please just accept me as I am. You can ask questions, just know it is a tender topic.

Know you will always be supported. If we are dating or not, it doesn’t matter. I love you now, and I will always love you. I am friends with all my ex’s and there’s a reason. They are kickass people that I didn’t want to live without. They are not threatening; they are a tool for you. Ask them questions if you feel brave enough. They will tell you what you need to know. They love me too. They want me to be happy and if I love you, they will be rooting for you. This may sound insane. You may think they have an ulterior motive. Don’t worry, for other people, it would be insane. I am not other people.

Know I love my parents and respect them deeply. My mother is my best friend, my confidant and my soul mate. She is tough as nails and will always tell me how it is. She is sassy with a love that is stronger than steel. She taught me how to love. Thank her for that. My dad. My dad will throw you off. He is successful; possibly the most successful person I know. Don’t let his quiet demeanor mislead you. He is the most supportive, loving man I have ever met. He is goofy, if not goofier than me. He is the most grounded person I know. He will be like a father to you. Ask him for advice. It may be scary, and it may be the best advice you’ll ever receive.

I hope you love your parents too. Chances they are awesome people. If they created you, they are. Know I want to meet them. I won’t be anything but myself and I will love them as my own. If you have a difficult relationship with them, don’t trip chocolate chip! We are all humans and know I understand bizarre family dynamics. I won’t judge you or them. I will simply try to understand and support you in way possible.

Lastly, know that I will love you in a different way you have ever been loved before. I will encourage you face your fears and face my own right there with you. I will make you laugh when you feel like your life is falling apart. I will challenge you on your self doubt and paint out a different perspective for you to ponder. I will push your buttons and make you smile in the process. I will hold your hands while we drift off to dreamland, wanting to take you with me everywhere I go. I will spend time away from you just so you continually remember who you are without me. And most of all, I will be your best friend, your biggest fan, your lover and your advocate. I will always be myself and tell you the truth, even if it hurts. I will love you forever, and that I can promise.

Sincerely,

Amanda

Decisions

Don’t shit where you eat they said

What the fuck does that even mean?

We already do shit where we eat

At our damn house

I let all caution hit the wind

WEEEEEEEEEE!

I scream

Running full speed down the familiar hill

Slow down Amanda, slow down

Tell me what to do, I’ll do the opposite

Where did this trait come from?

Where is this defiance originating?

And this time I listen

I hear her, loud and clear

Am I going to listen, take her advice?

If I want to grow, yes.

For it would be boring to repeat the same mistake over and over again

I would always know the outcome

I would fill that familiar script

It’s tempting

I love this feeling

I am a kid again

Curious

Very curious about another

How does he work?

And I am an adult

I have been through lessons and I saw them clearly

It took learning it repeated times

And I saw

My eyes are open

My ears are burning

Waiting, listening

Yes, I function from feeling

And maybe I should integrate my other abilities

So I have a choice

Keep running as fast as I can, for I know all of the twists and turns

Or slow down and smell the wild flowers and explore the road less traveled

Decisions, Decisions