To the next man I love

To the next man I love,

I hope you are ready. I hope that you can stand on your own two feet and that you don’t need me. I hope that you are happy living as you do now and that having me in your life will just be a positive addition. I don’t want you to make me your life. I don’t want my spontaneous energy to over take you. I will surprise you. I will love you. I will see you for who you really are. I will tell you everyday how special you are, how I appreciate who you are as a human being. I will push you too. Not to be mean, but because I know what I believe in and it may rub up against your beliefs. If they are different, all the better. I will ask you endless questions, trying to understand what you believe and why. You will intrigue me. I will not shoot down your thoughts, your feelings, your dreams or your actions. I will validate them. I will ask you the questions you have never thought of. When we argue, please be gentle. Hear me like I hear you. I am strong, quick-witted and damn stubborn. I can dish it out, and I can take it. Just remember, I have a heart as big as my personality.

You may feel perplexed when you see me crying out of seemingly nowhere. Please hug me. I can comfort myself, and it always feels good to be held. I likely am just confused. I am confused often. When I am over crying you will know. A smirk may stretch across my face and you should go with it. For emotions hit me like the wind. Suddenly strong, and then gone. If it is too much for you, tell me, kindly. We may not be a fit. I want you to love me as I love you.

I hope you are confident in yourself and our love. I love you. I love you more than you know. And I love many other people. I will connect with them as I do with you; deeply, intuitively and whole-heartedly. Remember, you are the one I choose to be with. Jealousy will not make me feel secure; it will annoy the fuck out of me. I will tell you too. If it continues, I will leave.

When winter comes, know how I operate will shift. I will need that extra hug in the morning. I will sleep longer, and shower more often. I will need to workout more, and if you want to, join me! Every winter is becoming easier and easier, yet I still struggle. I will be vocal with you. I will tell you what I need and when I don’t have words for it, just sit with me. Words will come. If you are struggling too, you can count on me. I will always be your biggest cheerleader. And I will always be responsible for myself. If you ever need that extra hand, I’ll lend you it.

Come spring and summer, you will see me shift yet again. My eyes will be greener, my skin clearer. I shift quickly. You will learn this quickly. You may struggle to keep up, and I may frustrate you. Tell me. Hold your ground. Let’s talk about it. How can we get on the same page? Know I will always be open to feedback and talking about issues. If you say nothing is wrong and you are lying, I will know. I will know before you even speak the words. I can read feelings better than I can speak words.

I will always be down to adventure. I am spontaneous as I am sensitive. Surprise me. I know I will surprise you. Let’s camp. I belong in the outdoors. And if you are dating me, you likely do too. Let’s go to your parent’s house. Let’s plant flowers in their garden. You want to go to Colorado? Give me a month to let my work know and I am ready!

If you get tired of me, do your own thing. I will always understand. I need alone time too. I need my friends as much as I need to get exercise. Know I want you to take the best care of yourself as you can. I will be doing it for myself. Our love may have shifted since the beginning. I don’t love you any less. You are my best friend. When I tell you that, I mean it. I will tell you about all my other best friends too. I have many family members that are not of blood. And you, you are different.

Expect nothing of me; yet hold me to my own standards. Call me out when I am not taking care of myself. Do it gently. If I am in flux, unsure of everything and anything, know I am sure about you. If I weren’t, I wouldn’t be with you. I can promise you that. When everything is up in the air in my life, don’t panic. Know I always figure out my shit and I always end up making a decision.  If I am making you feel uneasy, take time away from me. Take care of you. Always take care of you first.

Know that I am sensitive to feelings, people, foods, stimulants, energy and you. I am very sensitive to you. Things affect me differently than others. I know it may perplex you, believe me, it perplexes me. Please just accept me as I am. You can ask questions, just know it is a tender topic.

Know you will always be supported. If we are dating or not, it doesn’t matter. I love you now, and I will always love you. I am friends with all my ex’s and there’s a reason. They are kickass people that I didn’t want to live without. They are not threatening; they are a tool for you. Ask them questions if you feel brave enough. They will tell you what you need to know. They love me too. They want me to be happy and if I love you, they will be rooting for you. This may sound insane. You may think they have an ulterior motive. Don’t worry, for other people, it would be insane. I am not other people.

Know I love my parents and respect them deeply. My mother is my best friend, my confidant and my soul mate. She is tough as nails and will always tell me how it is. She is sassy with a love that is stronger than steel. She taught me how to love. Thank her for that. My dad. My dad will throw you off. He is successful; possibly the most successful person I know. Don’t let his quiet demeanor mislead you. He is the most supportive, loving man I have ever met. He is goofy, if not goofier than me. He is the most grounded person I know. He will be like a father to you. Ask him for advice. It may be scary, and it may be the best advice you’ll ever receive.

I hope you love your parents too. Chances they are awesome people. If they created you, they are. Know I want to meet them. I won’t be anything but myself and I will love them as my own. If you have a difficult relationship with them, don’t trip chocolate chip! We are all humans and know I understand bizarre family dynamics. I won’t judge you or them. I will simply try to understand and support you in way possible.

Lastly, know that I will love you in a different way you have ever been loved before. I will encourage you face your fears and face my own right there with you. I will make you laugh when you feel like your life is falling apart. I will challenge you on your self doubt and paint out a different perspective for you to ponder. I will push your buttons and make you smile in the process. I will hold your hands while we drift off to dreamland, wanting to take you with me everywhere I go. I will spend time away from you just so you continually remember who you are without me. And most of all, I will be your best friend, your biggest fan, your lover and your advocate. I will always be myself and tell you the truth, even if it hurts. I will love you forever, and that I can promise.

Sincerely,

Amanda