surrender

Today I recognized I needed to take care of me.

Today I didn't do what my heart wanted me to; I didn't text anyone to cuddle me.

Today I took care of my own damn self and tried my best to meet my own needs.

I stood in the shower and let the water warm my bones. Everything hurt. My neck, my arms, my legs, my scalp..I just gave up. 

My mind had been fighting a battle all day.

Feeling guilty about being sick and leaving work early.

Feeling guilty for wanting to be loved by another. 

Feeling unmotivated to work. Everything in my being was aching. 

It felt good to give up for once. To surrender.

Just letting myself feel like shit and not trying to fix it.

I stood until the water ran cold.

I am not used to this. Surrendering is foreign to me. I remember, many moons ago, sitting with Nick and him telling me something he was working on was surrendering. My jaw clenched, my neck tightened. It irked me to even hear the word SURRENDER. He asked if I thought it was something I needed to work on. "Yes, and I'm not going to. Not right now." And I was right. I wasn't ready. And I still don't feel ready. And everyday, I am getting more and more whispers, nudges... to do exactly that. Surrender.

Saturday Afternoon

Have you ever been to a Whole Foods around lunch time? It’s crowded AF.

Today I went for lunch. They always have delicious hot food that is far too expensive. Swimming upstream, I finally paid for my food. I went to sit down and there were literally no open spots. There were tables scattered with random people eating alone. I glanced around the eating area and without much thought asked a beautiful girl my age if I could sit across from her. She nodded yes and we went on with our business.

She began talking to the woman next to her with the new baby. “You have such a beautiful baby,” she said. “She looks just like you. Her eyes do. You have beautiful eyes.” The mom sheepishly thanked her, unsure if she was being truthful or not.  She was.

The young fit mom left and I was curious. She talked like me, with candor and compassion. Her curly dark hair, her dark hazel eyes flecked with gold; she was stunning. I started a conversation. Her name was Amanda. She just moved home from Salt Lake City. She told me of her mother. She was sick with cancer; she was going to pass any day now. I asked her how she was doing. She smiled and said she was okay, that she felt different about death, that her mom had fought a long, tough fight. She had accepted her mom dying. She spoke about memories with her mom. As I listened, my heartbeat slowed, beating a long steady pulse. I would be heartbroken if I lost my mother, I thought. She looked at me, locked eyes and apologized for the heaviness. I smiled and told her I thought it was beautiful that she has the ability to speak her feelings and that many people are unable to. I thanked her for her bravery and her authenticity. She smiled, not sure what to say next. I smiled back, allowing the silence to comfort her. We talked some more, about our jobs, our passions, the freedom we have. I asked her how long she would be in town. She didn’t have an answer. My insides swelled, oh how I know the feeling of being a wanderer.

I didn’t feel the need to hug her like I do with so many that are hurting. She didn’t need my comfort; she didn’t need my love, or my assurance. She was staying with herself, feeling it all. She was alone and sure of the unknown. Damn, was that a refreshing thing to see! I smiled, thanking God for this interaction. As I got up, I wished her the best, told her to keep kickin’ ass. She smiled saying thank you, that it was so nice to meet me. I wish her mom a painless passing and met her eyes. We saw each other. I smirked the smirk I always smirk, and walked away thinking, thank you for today, thank you for the reflection, and thank you for everyday. I threw away the remnants of my food, feeling her eyes locked on me. I looked up and she smiled again. She was going to be okay, only because she decided so.

Freedom

Magic is on my doorstep
It has been for months, I was just afraid to let it in
Feelings once so deep have been transformed

The love I once felt has evolved
Romantic love now deep appreciation
same person
different feelings, different energy
Repeated actions don't feel the same
Our lips don't fit, though our bodies do
I don't want to grasp
This love is different
This love is friendship
Friendship rooted in vulnerability, accountability, trust and support

The anger and resentment I felt from someone small
So fiery, burning through my body, wrecking havoc
It's shifted
No more intense feelings, just neutrality
No being a saint and wishing them well
No being a demon and wishing them hell

I wake up free
thinking what I want
No longer are people invading my mind

I'm on the Up & Up
I'm sure there will be speed bumps
I'm sure I will struggle
and I am unapologetically positive

I moved here with a broken heart and courage in my eyes
The Universe, like always, responded by giving me more of that
Different bodies, same lesson
the courage pushing me to fully be present
Reliving the past, staying honest and brave

I don't want to jinx it
and I feel confident to say
YES! I did it
I moved through the hurt, the fear, the insults, the unsteady ground, the anger
and here I am
Bright eyed bushy tailed

I can stand on solid ground now

Simplicity in Solidity

Arms out

Hair knotted

Legs wide

Do you know how nice it is to sleep alone?

I wake up to silence

Sweet silence

Snow dusted outside my window

I forgot how it feels to be alone

Tempted to make rules

Tempted to hold on to this feeling

“no dating this year”

Let’s be honest

I fucking hate rules

They are made to be broken

And trying to hold on?

That is suffering

I’ve pondered my actions from these past months

I see the best in others

I don’t discriminate

Maybe I should

I see you

your crooked smile

bizarre quirks

deep insecurities

That’s the beauty of you

I appreciate you

Months ago

broken hearted

unsure

terrified

I was slapped in the face by my conscious

Whoever is loved by me is lucky

My love is kind, generous, flexible

At that time

I was unable to direct that love inwards

I wasn’t sure how

I needed to switch tracks

Yet the train I was on was moving too quick

I continued to stay with myself

    felt the rejection

    the un-sureness

    the sadness

let it bring me to my knees

I kept coming back to myself

reminding myself to feel

The feels will pass when I let them out

and they did

Now

Here I am

Alone and confident

Knowing I can rest here

I’ve got my own back

This feeling

it’s so familiar

I have felt it most my life

This time it has a different flare

No longer do I feel made of fire

I see the fiery side
she’s there, waiting

If someone crosses me,

I have no doubt she will come raging

This is something different

A calmness

A knowing

An acceptance

A trust

A new chapter

unworthy

You know what fucking bites?

Feeling unworthy

This past week

I have come up against all of my scary demons

Again and again

Fear of what my parents will think

Oh hi, I forgot you existed

Anger and frustration at my impulsive decisions

I haven’t missed you

Fear of not being enough

You’re getting louder…

Fear of the future

You’re an old friend..

I’m exhausted

Physically sleeping ten plus hours a night

Mentally trying to control anything I can

            There are no winners in that game

Swinging from past to future

I am no longer that girl

I can handle my shit

I smile

Knowing they are all just thoughts

Reels from the past

I laugh at the simplicity of letting go

And the difficulty of surrendering

If we were experts at this life
what fun would that be?

Tribe

Today I was blessed with seeing a dear sister from Hawaii.

As I have spoken about, I have felt disconnected in the past few months; in limbo, unsure of anything, anyone and anywhere.

My relationships, quality of life and conscious choices have reflected this over and over.

Today, I was reminded of my belonging; that I have found my tribe. I have found members of my soul family in many places around the states. Hawaii being the most populated. They are just like me. Yet each unique. We don’t give a damn about what you do for a living. We care about what sparks your fire! We don’t have walls up around our hearts, we hold our heart in our hands willing to share what we have. We don’t beat around the bush. She asked me how I wasn’t losing my shit this winter. And I laughed. Straight to the point, damn I missed this!

When we speak to you, we listen. We care about you. We take chances and move quick, we know our time is short and there’s so much to experience.

(This is one of my loves from Hawaii; Julia)

Seeing my sister made me re-member all this. What I believe in. What I live for. How I live.

Her eyes were full of life, like I remembered. Days we spent at 4 mile soaking up the sun, dipping into the warm Pacific Ocean and I always remembered her eyes. Reflecting the clear teal water back at me; full of emotion, understanding and curiosity.  In the crisp mountain air I smiled, feeling the warmth of her presence washing over me.  Comfort, belonging, acceptance… It all came back to me.

I do belong.

You belong.

Your tribe is out there.

I promise.

I found mine

And damn, I’m grateful.

on loving

I’m a romantic

Ugh, I said it

I would deny that

over and over again

if I could

I love to love

I believe in love

I fall in love with someone new 

every month

I can’t help it

I love humans

I love how when we connect our hearts swell

our minds focus

we notice

the freckles sprinkled across his nose

the gold flecks in her eyes

the scar above his left eyebrow

I love the feeling of another’s hand holding mine

            You trust me

            I trust you

The tough callouses lining his palms

Her equal sized hand grasping mine

I love waking up tangled in another

sleepy eyes

morning snugs

cheek kisses

I love to make others feel loved

I love you.

There is such a stigma around those

Three

Little

Words

I don’t think I will ever understand it

And I will always say it when I feel it

I am not afraid to love

yet

I am terrified of rejection

I love with flying colors

It is a risk

I take often

I would rather love

Be vulnerable

risk my biggest fear

being unloved

Than never love at all