surrender

Today I recognized I needed to take care of me.

Today I didn't do what my heart wanted me to; I didn't text anyone to cuddle me.

Today I took care of my own damn self and tried my best to meet my own needs.

I stood in the shower and let the water warm my bones. Everything hurt. My neck, my arms, my legs, my scalp..I just gave up. 

My mind had been fighting a battle all day.

Feeling guilty about being sick and leaving work early.

Feeling guilty for wanting to be loved by another. 

Feeling unmotivated to work. Everything in my being was aching. 

It felt good to give up for once. To surrender.

Just letting myself feel like shit and not trying to fix it.

I stood until the water ran cold.

I am not used to this. Surrendering is foreign to me. I remember, many moons ago, sitting with Nick and him telling me something he was working on was surrendering. My jaw clenched, my neck tightened. It irked me to even hear the word SURRENDER. He asked if I thought it was something I needed to work on. "Yes, and I'm not going to. Not right now." And I was right. I wasn't ready. And I still don't feel ready. And everyday, I am getting more and more whispers, nudges... to do exactly that. Surrender.