Freedom

Magic is on my doorstep
It has been for months, I was just afraid to let it in
Feelings once so deep have been transformed

The love I once felt has evolved
Romantic love now deep appreciation
same person
different feelings, different energy
Repeated actions don't feel the same
Our lips don't fit, though our bodies do
I don't want to grasp
This love is different
This love is friendship
Friendship rooted in vulnerability, accountability, trust and support

The anger and resentment I felt from someone small
So fiery, burning through my body, wrecking havoc
It's shifted
No more intense feelings, just neutrality
No being a saint and wishing them well
No being a demon and wishing them hell

I wake up free
thinking what I want
No longer are people invading my mind

I'm on the Up & Up
I'm sure there will be speed bumps
I'm sure I will struggle
and I am unapologetically positive

I moved here with a broken heart and courage in my eyes
The Universe, like always, responded by giving me more of that
Different bodies, same lesson
the courage pushing me to fully be present
Reliving the past, staying honest and brave

I don't want to jinx it
and I feel confident to say
YES! I did it
I moved through the hurt, the fear, the insults, the unsteady ground, the anger
and here I am
Bright eyed bushy tailed

I can stand on solid ground now

Simplicity in Solidity

Arms out

Hair knotted

Legs wide

Do you know how nice it is to sleep alone?

I wake up to silence

Sweet silence

Snow dusted outside my window

I forgot how it feels to be alone

Tempted to make rules

Tempted to hold on to this feeling

“no dating this year”

Let’s be honest

I fucking hate rules

They are made to be broken

And trying to hold on?

That is suffering

I’ve pondered my actions from these past months

I see the best in others

I don’t discriminate

Maybe I should

I see you

your crooked smile

bizarre quirks

deep insecurities

That’s the beauty of you

I appreciate you

Months ago

broken hearted

unsure

terrified

I was slapped in the face by my conscious

Whoever is loved by me is lucky

My love is kind, generous, flexible

At that time

I was unable to direct that love inwards

I wasn’t sure how

I needed to switch tracks

Yet the train I was on was moving too quick

I continued to stay with myself

    felt the rejection

    the un-sureness

    the sadness

let it bring me to my knees

I kept coming back to myself

reminding myself to feel

The feels will pass when I let them out

and they did

Now

Here I am

Alone and confident

Knowing I can rest here

I’ve got my own back

This feeling

it’s so familiar

I have felt it most my life

This time it has a different flare

No longer do I feel made of fire

I see the fiery side
she’s there, waiting

If someone crosses me,

I have no doubt she will come raging

This is something different

A calmness

A knowing

An acceptance

A trust

A new chapter

unworthy

You know what fucking bites?

Feeling unworthy

This past week

I have come up against all of my scary demons

Again and again

Fear of what my parents will think

Oh hi, I forgot you existed

Anger and frustration at my impulsive decisions

I haven’t missed you

Fear of not being enough

You’re getting louder…

Fear of the future

You’re an old friend..

I’m exhausted

Physically sleeping ten plus hours a night

Mentally trying to control anything I can

            There are no winners in that game

Swinging from past to future

I am no longer that girl

I can handle my shit

I smile

Knowing they are all just thoughts

Reels from the past

I laugh at the simplicity of letting go

And the difficulty of surrendering

If we were experts at this life
what fun would that be?

Tribe

Today I was blessed with seeing a dear sister from Hawaii.

As I have spoken about, I have felt disconnected in the past few months; in limbo, unsure of anything, anyone and anywhere.

My relationships, quality of life and conscious choices have reflected this over and over.

Today, I was reminded of my belonging; that I have found my tribe. I have found members of my soul family in many places around the states. Hawaii being the most populated. They are just like me. Yet each unique. We don’t give a damn about what you do for a living. We care about what sparks your fire! We don’t have walls up around our hearts, we hold our heart in our hands willing to share what we have. We don’t beat around the bush. She asked me how I wasn’t losing my shit this winter. And I laughed. Straight to the point, damn I missed this!

When we speak to you, we listen. We care about you. We take chances and move quick, we know our time is short and there’s so much to experience.

(This is one of my loves from Hawaii; Julia)

Seeing my sister made me re-member all this. What I believe in. What I live for. How I live.

Her eyes were full of life, like I remembered. Days we spent at 4 mile soaking up the sun, dipping into the warm Pacific Ocean and I always remembered her eyes. Reflecting the clear teal water back at me; full of emotion, understanding and curiosity.  In the crisp mountain air I smiled, feeling the warmth of her presence washing over me.  Comfort, belonging, acceptance… It all came back to me.

I do belong.

You belong.

Your tribe is out there.

I promise.

I found mine

And damn, I’m grateful.

on loving

I’m a romantic

Ugh, I said it

I would deny that

over and over again

if I could

I love to love

I believe in love

I fall in love with someone new 

every month

I can’t help it

I love humans

I love how when we connect our hearts swell

our minds focus

we notice

the freckles sprinkled across his nose

the gold flecks in her eyes

the scar above his left eyebrow

I love the feeling of another’s hand holding mine

            You trust me

            I trust you

The tough callouses lining his palms

Her equal sized hand grasping mine

I love waking up tangled in another

sleepy eyes

morning snugs

cheek kisses

I love to make others feel loved

I love you.

There is such a stigma around those

Three

Little

Words

I don’t think I will ever understand it

And I will always say it when I feel it

I am not afraid to love

yet

I am terrified of rejection

I love with flying colors

It is a risk

I take often

I would rather love

Be vulnerable

risk my biggest fear

being unloved

Than never love at all

Contradiction

I am one giant walking contradiction

And I always have been

I crave loyalty and monogamy
Yet I crave freedom

No strings attached

I love to drink

And I know it is a false reality for me

I do it sparingly

until I don't

I believe in free love

Yet I practice selective love

I slip on the cement over nothing

Yet I can run miles without falling

The color yellow looks dreadful on me

and it’s my favorite color

I dream about love that’s eternal

and I practice friends with benefits

I love makeup

Yet I rarely wear it

I believe in balance

I have it fucking tattooed on my arm

Yet I am constantly scrambling for solid ground

I practice vulnerability

and I attract men who have walls

I come off as extroverted

and I love to be alone

I am fiery as hell

Yet my heart is watery as the ocean

I am generally kind, thoughtful

But can bite

Hard

if you cross me

Or someone underserving

I am empathetic

I feel for you, for others

Yet I sometimes can’t feel for myself

I live a life without roots

when I crave stability

solidity

I am ungraceful

yet I can speak gracefully

I don't know what the fuck I'm doing in life

and I know exactly what I am choosing day in and day out