November

What am I doing? Who am I today?

I have been asking myself this a lot lately. For years actually. When I was nineteen I realized I could do whatever I wanted. Whatever-- the sky is the limit. I still believe that, and it's liberating yet. It also cripples me time to time.

This past month a lot has changed. Not only for myself, but for many people around me as well. It seems like every week someone is reaching out to me giving me details on a big transition they are sorting through. I keep reminding myself there is no use in labeling the change as "good" or "bad". It just happens.

I know, I know…. "Change is the only thing constant". Thank you, World. I know. Sometimes change just knocks you flat on your ass. In my case, flat on my ass on ice.

Yes, it fucking hurts. In some cases it weirdly stings. But every time, I laugh. It's unexpected! How can you not? Plus laughter makes it hurt a little less. With the multiple (literal)  falls I have taken I have become more aware. I hold hands with others for support. I tread a little lighter and recognize I could be taken for surprise at any moment.

So, thank you slippery as fuck ice. You have taught me to reach out. You have taught me that sometimes I have to brave things alone. Maybe I fall, but I laugh every time. I still get where I am going, sometimes I just get bruised.

That's how my life has been going lately. I haven't written lately. I have been concentrated on what's in front of me. On the people that love me. On my dreams and placing them into a reality that I am working towards. I have been feeling waves of emotions and damn! They knock me out sometimes! With each time I am getting up quicker, reaching for support and finding it. Sorting through difficult feelings I can use to move forward, to learn from. Sometimes alcohol confuses me, sometimes lack of sleep has me in a alternate world. And I'm still here. Moving, breathing, and loving. How can I not?

Life is such a ebb and flow. I hate routine. I drive different ways around town to keep my mind active. I delete people's numbers so I can memorize them. I wake up at different times every morning. I asked for constant change. And I have gotten it.

I wouldn't say I am in a rough patch. I just continue to remind myself

  Now is Now.

sensitive

To all you sensitive people out there~

I feel you
I know you understand this
because you feel me too

We crave interaction like we crave solitude
we need it
but only a certain amount

I understand you
The feeling when you walk into a room and you are hit by a wall of emotion
"How can I help you?" you think
and those of you who are well versed,
you ask.

The mood needs to improve
you are drowning in something
it doesn't belong to you

You would rather make tension dissipate
than breathe another breath
it is poison

You can't help but love those you meet
You feel for them
quite literally

You want to show others love
not the shallow namaste shit we hear in our vinyasa classes
but the love you have experienced
time and time again

You know
The love you give, you also receive

You don't shy away from people
who think they are unlovable
you feel empathy
and give what you can
without getting sucked in

Boundaries are like unicorns to us
Do they exist
maybe
if they are there
we don't see them

Sensitivity is a
double edged sword
my darling

We have the choice to use it as a
  tool
or have others use it against us as a
  weapon

We get to make the choice

It isn't always easy
No
it's rarely easy

We will make the painful choice
a few times
and hurt so deeply
it may just consume us

and just like that
we bounce back
quickly

That's the beauty of sensitivity
we feel deeply 
yes
the hurt
hurts
but the sweetness
the joy
the love
It is all worth it

night time.

All I want right now is a body
I don't care who
my bed is
Cold
As
Fuck

It could be him who
comes over

But who the fuck am I kidding?

That's a suicide mission

One hug

leads to

One kiss

Maybe not even that

Worse

possible rejection

I dreamt of the rejection

my biggest fear

being unloved

In my dream

I accepted it

it stung a little

but it didn't break me

It's not him

who can hurt me

it is me

who can hurt me

Friday

The sky is spinning

the mind in a marathon

Stay with yourself

She says

Alcohol is in reach

So is food

And other men

Take a walk

She says

Standing in the driveway

Gazing at the tie die sky

Wondering how to get

through these feelings

Walk

She says

Eyes on the sidewalk

Left

Right

Left

Right

Dirty sneakers

Look up

She says

Everything is in season

Falling

So it can be bare

Shedding

Their warmth, their colors

falling

sitting cold

naked

Spring will come

There is such beauty

In the bareness 

of it all

Losing everything

Realizing none of it is really

you

The trees are left standing naked

roots in the ground

This is what you shall do

she says

depend on your roots

they will be with you 

till you die

everything else

will come and go

Stay grounded sweet girl

she says

You will be okay

On being Me

**I wrote this poem in a dirt filled journal while living in Hawaii. I was feeling a bit restless, yet limitless, and so very free. My 'problems' had followed me and I was toying with them, laughing at them; playing the game of life.

On being me

I'm good at leaving
Ask me to stay and I won't.
Bring me to the past
I will walk away again.

Tell me you love me
I will say I love you too
Not to lie, but because in that moment I do

I'm hard to hold on to
even for me
I will be gone for months
And then there I am, don't you see?

Who are you today?
I can never promise that.

Commitments mean solidity
How can I promise when I am never on the ground?

There's the feeling!
Wanting what you can't have.
Oh, wait! You can have it!
Anything is possible!

Maybe I need boundaries
Tie me down, I'll wiggle free
Maybe I need the opposite

Maybe I need me.

I'm an alien to this body
Surprising myself
Dreams I feel free
No body as a limitation
Just light that is me.

Wake up, what is this heaviness?
I have an age?

Dreams are real sweet one
And so is this.
What fun!

Thank you.

I wrote to you today
I wanted to earlier
The words didn't come

There's no guidebook
for this

Hell, there's no guidebook
for anything
just different peoples' experiences

I just show up
And when I don't
I wonder why

With you
I ignored that voice
once so loud
It guided my every move

I felt lost
Intuition, where did you go
I can't hear you
Did I leave you in Hawai'i

I could hear her
I just ignored her
branded her as doubts

"you need to be alone"
she said
I held you tighter

Too afraid
Too wrapped up

My mind began to scream
My body rebelled
LISTEN TO YOUR SPIRIT
they shouted

I just wanted you

Your sweet smile
your sleepy grey eyes
your magnetic pull

I couldn't explain it
You drained me
and filled me up

We weren't poison
nor were we medicine

We were something unknown
yet on the tip of the tongue
waiting to be recognized

we are now
a you
and
an I

I recognize me
I hope
you recognize you

Back to square one
being with me
but who am I kidding
I wouldn't be the me
without the you

Thank you

and
I forgive you.

Fall.

It was August. I had just moved back to Oregon from Hawaii with a half broken heart and unsteady grounding. No place to live, a car with everything I owned and a love 2,000 miles away from me. My plans to move to the mainland with my partner had fallen through, he wasn’t ready. Bull-headed and strong willed, I told myself I had to do it with or without my island lover; that I was a strong independent woman and I could do anything alone.

That is how it started.

I was officially severed from my island flame and the pain…. It was overwhelming. I didn’t know it at the time, but I did everything in my power not to feel it.

My new coworker invited me out salsa dancing. I don’t salsa. Anything with certain rules and steps to do something is not my forte. Everything about me screams, “I do it my way!” It terrified me to be put in a room with a bunch of experienced dancers glistening and flitting around effortlessly. So I said “yes”, I’d at least try it out.

The moment I walked in I regretted my decision. Hair a mess, super-glued flip-flops and tired eyes, I felt so out of place. Immediately, a young handsome-enough fellow walked up and asked my friend to dance. “WHAT THE HECK, THEY HAVE TO ASK US TO DANCE?! Kill me now!” I kept thinking.

Out of the blue, like I would soon learn is his signature, a man with long blond hair tucked neatly in a bun and a shiny nose ring approached me. Gently he asked me to dance. No fucking way. Nope. Not dancing. I kindly declined. He asked again. No thank you, I would rather just watch. “Come on, I’ll teach you,” he said arm reaching for me. Fine, face your fear Amanda. And so I danced.

We stood face to face, strangers, smiling at one another. He held my hand softly and I let him. I couldn’t trust him to lead me. I went the wrong way each time to spin. I stepped left instead of right and he just smiled and went with it. We sat down, talking for hours. He was an artist in everyway of the definition. He was shy, his body not facing mine fully. Yet he was engaging and warm. His almond eyes smiled at me while his mouth spoke. I heard his words; I felt his soothing, grounding energy. I was just newly single and no, I did not want to love this quickly.

That night we went our separate ways yet our hearts stayed connected. I slept for all about two hours. My body was pulsing with magnetic energy. What is going on?! This has never happened to me! And all I could think about was him.

The next day he asked me to go to a BBQ with all of his friends. I was terrified to meet everyone already, so of course, I said yes. We sat next to each other talking to the other’s friends, yet our energy was being shared. I invited them dancing, of course they went.

Time flew by yet slowed down. We were together from the day we met. It felt like we had been together for lifetimes. He told me he hadn’t dated anyone for a couple of years. That he does things slowly. And he did, so uniquely. He was particular with many things. He didn’t like when I borrowed his clothes. He had to go home after each sleepover because he had a routine. He was religious and believed his sexuality mustn't be expressed fully until marriage. He did not like to drink but didn’t care if I did. He liked to wear his shoes in my house. That was all his stuff, and I accepted it and embraced him.

I surprised him with my responses to his actions. He uninvited me to a work party and I understood; it was not about me. He decided to go home one weekend on a whim leaving our plans hanging, he needed some alone time, I understood. No, I am no fucking Buddha. Some of his actions cut deep and I knew it wasn’t about me. My anxiety began to creep, leaving me spinning on my days off work.

He spoke of how he felt like he wasn’t a good boyfriend, that he felt unsure of everything. That his heart wouldn’t allow him to love, that he had never been in love. That he couldn’t give me what I wanted. Ladies and gents, when people tell you they cannot love you, please believe them.

I calmly told him it was okay. And I believed myself. That he was being too harsh on himself. That he was not selfish. That I cared about him and that he could love and it didn’t have to be with me. I assured him of what I knew was true in my soul. Love is everywhere and all we need to do it let it in.

We began to argue. He was battling an internal battle and I had no say in what was the outcome. He wanted to be everything to me but couldn’t be vulnerable enough to let me in. I loved this man. I didn’t care if he didn’t love me yet, I saw a future. It was a different kind of love. I craved time away from him as much as I yearned for his love. I knew I needed to be single. I felt it in every inch of my being.

Being single…. It seemed too fucking scary! Everyone at my work place has partners and all my friends are settling down. How the fuck am I going to navigate this love struck town as a single girl?

He kept expressing his worry about our trip to see my college friends. He was worried I was going to party too hard. I assured him it would be fine, that he would love them.

Fast forward to a particular Saturday that I forgot to eat before drinking for the first time in months. This isn’t who I am anymore. I got sick. He wasn’t happy. I bailed on going out, I couldn’t. I lay in my bed when I got home and things spiraled. I don’t remember the exact words that were exchanged. I remember like a movie telling him, “If you walk out, we are never dating again. I don’t do this thing twice”. And he walked out. Quickly. Without turning back.

I followed him. He brought me home. Just as quickly as he danced his way into my life, he disappeared leaving his imprint on my heart.

He has not tried to reach out to me. He does things his way. I accept that. They say that when someone walks out of your life, let them.

I don’t usually give up on things — I fight until I am exhausted, and then I fight some more. This is where I am learning.

Trusting.

Everything that happens, happens for us. Not to us.

That some people are in our lives to teach us important lessons, and then they leave.

He taught me so much about myself, himself, others, what it really means to be open and when silence is just as important as words. He taught me about hard work, both in the professional and the personal sense. He changed my view on relationships and what I really want in a partner.

I used to believe that relationships are always supposed to be full of excitement, intense emotions and deep romantic love. I have now changed my mind. Relationships are what they blossom in to; with each person it will be different. The difference in each one is what makes it beautiful and unique. 


The hurt, the tears, the thoughts… they all will come and go. Some days it will be difficult to get out of bed and live the life I created. And I can do it. 

 The only thing I can do, we can do, is to feel these feels. Wholly, entirely, and know everything works out exactly as it should. That with every heart ache and heart break, our hearts expand a little more. It fucking hurts. Terribly. And with the hurt comes more love. 

Love has not tainted me, it teaches me. Every severance has ingrained in me new wisdom, new scars, to remind me that I am alive and loving. Hard.