balance

I swear I'm weightless

with the change in the wind
off I go

To be painfully
steadily
rooted
nailed
to this reality

This is okay
I grit
through the pain

To live
in both worlds
is my forever
task

tidal waves

Feelings come in sets of tidal waves

I am brought out to sea
tumbling for what feels like
an eternity

Stuck under the powerful currents
I remember
don’t fight
Relax

It’s only then
can I breathe
surfacing
I search for the ground
my feet are met by no-thing
I am too far from shore

So I swim
and swim
and swim
and swim
through the discarded emotions

The moment I touch land
Ah! Sweet land!
I pass out

My exhausted body
unable to pull myself
a centimeter further

When I wake
my hands no longer
resemble my grandmothers
my skin
warm to touch
I was gifted more kisses
from the sun

Everything is a blur.
Did I experience that?

I look to the ocean
she is calm
glittering

she’s the most beautiful thing
I have ever seen

lately

It's those relationships
the ones you feel
so deep in your core

It doesn't matter
if you are
lovers
sisters
brothers
friends

Together,
you can face 
it all

I feel like a broken record. In the past year, I have lost (well, in some cases, shifted) three really important relationships in my life. It has been ugly and excruciatingly painful. It has been heart break, questioning until light danced through my blinds, waking up pinned to my bed, poems writing themselves through tears and a loss of identity and community.  

I know that sounds extreme, because it is. The three most important people in my life (in Bend), my boyfriend, my "brother", and my roommate/best friend, all disappeared in a month. Now, when I say "disappeared", I don't mean they vanished. Quite the opposite, they continued to exist, just without me being an important player in their lives. I think that is the dagger in my heart; space didn't part us, disagreements did. 

I am stubborn, but I am not that stubborn. I admit when I'm wrong, and in arguments, I am usually the first one to belly up. That is why, this summer, hell this whole year, has been so difficult for me. 

Everything was sparked by my job ending. I was heartbroken. Relieved, and completely heartbroken. In heartbreak, I destroy. I am not sure if this is a normal reaction. For myself, when things go haywire, it all goes haywire. Two weeks after quitting my job, I ended my relationship. I felt guilty for being immersed in my head and beginning to intertwine with another human being (which was a giant mistake). 

A week after that, my roommate and I got into a rather large disagreement about a guy (how STUPID), and our relationship was forever changed. This is the one that hurt the most. Previous to all the madness, we were inseparable..... well separated by work. Partners in crime and in fun. Fire and ice.  It wasn't the party girl relationship. It was oh-fuck-what-did-you-do-I-got-your-back relationship. The relationship you don't think about, because you know the other's heart and you know that nothing could stop the love between you. Well, we were wrong. Kinda. Our tift tore me from the inside out. Already heartbroken, I was unable to see clearly. Previously believing we were so similar, we were gravely mistaken. Kind, she is not always sensitive. Sensitive, I am not always kind. 

It took months, history repeated itself, and we are no longer best friends. In fact, we both avoided our house. Fast forward to months later, the love still exists, we laugh together still, have each other's backs, and still are sisters. It has just changed. In fact, the poem above is about her. 

And lastly, I lost a dear friend to me. He is the most stubborn person I know. We felt like siblings, and often acted like it. I pushed his buttons too hard, something I am good at, and he decided he didn't want to be connected. This hurt. We were in school together. He helped me through my shit storm, and his heart is laced with gold. I know that once his mind is made up, it is made up. I still think of him from time to time, all the while saying "I love you. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you." That's the Hawaiian saying, and I pray to Pele and Poliahu that he feels it. 

So that was dragged out. A big SPLAT! explaining that which has been my life in the last six months. I feel well now. With each relationship shifting, I have welcomed in new hearts and minds. 

Twenty-five has been quite the experience. I never knew my heart was so fragile. Here's a picture of me in the middle of it. It's sad, and a little funny... I couldn't even wear my clothes right side out.

Love never lost

When you’re heartbroken everything is blurry. The pain is tangible, rough, rubbing against your already chaffed skin. Your life as you knew it, is no more. For me, I start over. Often I lose a partner, along with a job, or a friend, or a whole bunch of friends, or a living space. You name it. It might be because I am intense, maybe this is how it goes for everyone, or just how the universe works. I’m not sure. What I do know, it fucking hurts. Not just emotionally. But physically. My chest physically aches, my head feels too full of worries to even be touched, my stomach is frozen, digestion put on hold, and this time around, my ears ached so bad, I was woken up twice in excrusiating pain. The pain from heartbreak has no origin. It just hurts. 

Today, I went to one of my past client’s singing recital. I left my job working residential therapy a month ago. It was the first deep cut in my sensitive fierce heart. A old coworker reached out requesting I be there, the client really wanted me to see her sing. I showed up, cutoff stained shorts, three-day greasy hair and a tye dye shirt. As I was looking everyone’s nice outfits and questioning why I thought it was a good idea to not get ready, I was bombarded. Three girls ran at me full speed shrieking my name. I forgot how it felt. I forgot how loved I was. How much I love them. How connected we all are. 

As they hugged me tight, tears welled up in my eyes. Fuck, that’s where my heart has been. I looked into each of their sweet makeup-less eyes and told them how much I missed them, how I had dreams about them after I quit, and how they are still in my thoughts. They all smiled and talked at the same time to update me with their lives. Nothing had changed. They didn’t love me any less, and shit, I loved them even more. 

I sat through the performance, heart as light as a feather, arms wrapped with one of the girls. We all share a heart, I forgot. Each time the girl performing looked our way, her smile grew. She had a whole crew of girls cheering for her-- all of different race, backround and past. I can’t explain the love I felt, other than being a proud mom.

When I was leaving, I hugged each of them tight. Kissed their cheeks. You can’t do that in residential therapy, and I never a gave a damn. I used to kiss their cheeks as they laid in bed, exhausted from intense emotions and outbursts. Today, I told them how proud I was, how much I loved them and told them to go easy on the staff. To remember they are humans too, just like me. I was met with smirks, playful eyes, pinches and kisses.

Walking to my car, I felt a hope I haven’t felt in weeks. Everything will be okay Amanda. They know. They know you love them. And they understand your love. 

And it came to me. That is what heart break is for me. I fear they won’t understand that my love has not dissolved. It has not “run away”. It is still very present. My love does not falter, and it shifts. I don’t know how others love, and I can’t assume, because that would make an ass of you and me. I just know it makes sense now. It makes sense. And for the first time in a month, I can feel my heart lightening.

duality

The duality inside me is quite the phenomenon

Naturally I am serious
full of emotion
purpose
drive
heart
percision

And I am playful
as a monkey
swinging from person to person
cackling in my pursuit
I love people!
I love to play!
I love to love!

Suddenly it shifts
Get shit done
go after what you want
you are resilient
unstoppable
you are here to live out your purpose

in comes the other
Have fun baby Mandi!
this is your natural state!
do art
give kisses
sing
know you can make a living out of what you love!

Back and forth they go
speaking loudly at the same time
they love each other
yet go head to head

Does everyone experience this?
It is quite the show. I laugh at the dualities.
The internal conversation.
Yet I wonder

Do you experience this too?

work

I bought myself new earrings today
You know why?
because I’m quitting my job

I was given an ultimatum on Monday
either take the program manager position
or take a fairly large pay cut

I don’t let people shove me around
I don’t like to do things half assed
I don’t like to say YES to things when I am not sure
and lately
I have been doing that

Today I said no
and as life goes
all things dramatic
unfolded in the past two days

I had tried to give the job promotion thought
only to find myself preoccupied
with my hurting relationship
and friend’s troubles

My friends,
the past four months
Saturday and Sundays
have been heavy
dreaded

I work the 1-11pm shift both days

I love the clients
Love is an understatement
they feel like my children
and it is very difficult to run the show
with 7+ girls for ten hours straight

Yes, I have coworkers that are awesome
and as lead counselor, I had a heavier duty

Their pain
sank it’s fangs into me
each weekend
sucking me dry
of love
happiness
and trust of all things good in the world

I didn’t talk to people on weekends
couldn’t have a sleep over with my boyfriend
or god forbid
drink alcohol the night before
I took it very seriously
I needed to be 110% ready for each shift

And I struggled
I began picking up unwanted traits from the girls
wearing their pasts on me like a cloak
I stopped trusting people
not being able to catch a break from the racing thoughts and concerns
with all that
I still didn’t back down

I showed up
shift after shift
ready to love
ready to hurt
and ready to fight
how fucked up is that?

And how sad

that I can not handle their realities

yet

they have to live them

The offer to be a manager
was alluring
I had already picked up the role as a mother
and I cringe as the unwanted words leave my mouth

Yes,
I became a mother to nine
14-17 year-old girls
I had worked so hard to get the position as program manager
yet it wasn’t what I wanted after all

I cannot commit my life to work
right now

I want to believe in all things positive
I want to be appreciated for my work
and allotted my weekends off

I believe
in my heart of hearts
work should be enjoyable
we should look forward to create
to build
to touch others

If my work isn’t a happy place
then it is not the place for me
Period

So here I am
still employed
on the move
feeling free
liberated
I might even say
yet tethered

I choose me
the one who needs as much time alone
as she needs with others
the one who sits in the woods for hours upon hours
writing, painting, singing
free from the constant buzz of technology

Life is about feeling good, making a difference and gaining wisdom
I suppose I will continue to keep doing that
this time
on my terms

Yes
I can forsee the struggle
it will be to leave

But when something isn’t serving you anymore
when something is hurting you

you must pack up your things
state how you feel
and depending on how you are received
leave
or stay

I am leaving
with a heavy heart
fearless eyes
the courage of a lion

I love the girls
I love them
and they know
for I tell them each shift
through their tears
their threats
their celebrations

And it is my duty
to show them
what it means to be
woman
to be strong
to be authentic

to be honest
in actions and words

and to teach others how we want to be treated

So here I go
I choose me

I choose to stand my ground
know my worth

and continue to burn my path

I can sleep well
knowing
I have loved how I love
stated who I am
acted out of my values

Leaving is always hard
yet choosing me
is the only
choice

Type A? Type B? Type Unicorn?

The other day I was getting my hair done. This is not something I do often, yet it was that time of the year again (haha yup, once a year). I didn’t know the hair dresser at all, and I could feel the snobby vibes in the room. No makeup on, with a stained shirt, I sat down in her chair ready to get a new do. After a little small talk to test one another’s waters, we began actually engaging. What did she enjoy? Did she have a family? She was kind enough, answering honestly, when she began to ask me questions. I told her what I do, about my boyfriend, about my life. In a kind enough observation, she said, “You are very type A. You are straight forward, get your stuff done and hold people to their shit. Good for you, I wish I was like that at your age.”

Folks, I have never been called “type A” nor have even ever pondered that possibility. Yes, she meant it as a compliment yet I sat frozen in her observation. I associate “type A” people to be uptight, career driven, attention to detail, scheduled, busy people. But oh wait, that fits me. What a bizarre realization it was. Sitting with foil in my hair, talking to a stranger, I had an explanation to why I felt so off for the past few months. I never lose my words or don’t know what to say, yet in that moment I sat, quiet with big eyes. Looking in the mirror I saw a different side of me that I had never seen.

No wonder why I have been interested in wearing sparkly makeup, lightening my hair, and wearing light colors. I have felt so heavy, yet naked of any authenticity. Now looking at my actions, it makes complete sense. I did what I thought I was "supposed" to do. Dressed in ways I deemed appropriate. I even COMBED MY HAIR!!!!!

That was two days ago. Since then, I have met with two very good friends that came to visit town, and I remember. I remember the girl with permanent dirt on her feet, makeup less big eyes, and all second hand clothes. I remember looking forward to adventure, diving into the unknown with a playful heart and glittery eyes. No, I am not nostalgic, but I know that is my best self. Not the Mandi from three years back, but the Mandi who dances to her own tune. Who does things that make zero sense to others yet vibrate with my frequency.

I feel the fire again. I see the wildness in my eyes. All my actions in the past few months make sense. And for all of this, I am grateful.

Maybe this is what life is all about? Losing our selves to find ourselves. I am not sure. But damn, it feels good to be trekking back home.