work

I bought myself new earrings today
You know why?
because I’m quitting my job

I was given an ultimatum on Monday
either take the program manager position
or take a fairly large pay cut

I don’t let people shove me around
I don’t like to do things half assed
I don’t like to say YES to things when I am not sure
and lately
I have been doing that

Today I said no
and as life goes
all things dramatic
unfolded in the past two days

I had tried to give the job promotion thought
only to find myself preoccupied
with my hurting relationship
and friend’s troubles

My friends,
the past four months
Saturday and Sundays
have been heavy
dreaded

I work the 1-11pm shift both days

I love the clients
Love is an understatement
they feel like my children
and it is very difficult to run the show
with 7+ girls for ten hours straight

Yes, I have coworkers that are awesome
and as lead counselor, I had a heavier duty

Their pain
sank it’s fangs into me
each weekend
sucking me dry
of love
happiness
and trust of all things good in the world

I didn’t talk to people on weekends
couldn’t have a sleep over with my boyfriend
or god forbid
drink alcohol the night before
I took it very seriously
I needed to be 110% ready for each shift

And I struggled
I began picking up unwanted traits from the girls
wearing their pasts on me like a cloak
I stopped trusting people
not being able to catch a break from the racing thoughts and concerns
with all that
I still didn’t back down

I showed up
shift after shift
ready to love
ready to hurt
and ready to fight
how fucked up is that?

And how sad

that I can not handle their realities

yet

they have to live them

The offer to be a manager
was alluring
I had already picked up the role as a mother
and I cringe as the unwanted words leave my mouth

Yes,
I became a mother to nine
14-17 year-old girls
I had worked so hard to get the position as program manager
yet it wasn’t what I wanted after all

I cannot commit my life to work
right now

I want to believe in all things positive
I want to be appreciated for my work
and allotted my weekends off

I believe
in my heart of hearts
work should be enjoyable
we should look forward to create
to build
to touch others

If my work isn’t a happy place
then it is not the place for me
Period

So here I am
still employed
on the move
feeling free
liberated
I might even say
yet tethered

I choose me
the one who needs as much time alone
as she needs with others
the one who sits in the woods for hours upon hours
writing, painting, singing
free from the constant buzz of technology

Life is about feeling good, making a difference and gaining wisdom
I suppose I will continue to keep doing that
this time
on my terms

Yes
I can forsee the struggle
it will be to leave

But when something isn’t serving you anymore
when something is hurting you

you must pack up your things
state how you feel
and depending on how you are received
leave
or stay

I am leaving
with a heavy heart
fearless eyes
the courage of a lion

I love the girls
I love them
and they know
for I tell them each shift
through their tears
their threats
their celebrations

And it is my duty
to show them
what it means to be
woman
to be strong
to be authentic

to be honest
in actions and words

and to teach others how we want to be treated

So here I go
I choose me

I choose to stand my ground
know my worth

and continue to burn my path

I can sleep well
knowing
I have loved how I love
stated who I am
acted out of my values

Leaving is always hard
yet choosing me
is the only
choice