Love never lost

When you’re heartbroken everything is blurry. The pain is tangible, rough, rubbing against your already chaffed skin. Your life as you knew it, is no more. For me, I start over. Often I lose a partner, along with a job, or a friend, or a whole bunch of friends, or a living space. You name it. It might be because I am intense, maybe this is how it goes for everyone, or just how the universe works. I’m not sure. What I do know, it fucking hurts. Not just emotionally. But physically. My chest physically aches, my head feels too full of worries to even be touched, my stomach is frozen, digestion put on hold, and this time around, my ears ached so bad, I was woken up twice in excrusiating pain. The pain from heartbreak has no origin. It just hurts. 

Today, I went to one of my past client’s singing recital. I left my job working residential therapy a month ago. It was the first deep cut in my sensitive fierce heart. A old coworker reached out requesting I be there, the client really wanted me to see her sing. I showed up, cutoff stained shorts, three-day greasy hair and a tye dye shirt. As I was looking everyone’s nice outfits and questioning why I thought it was a good idea to not get ready, I was bombarded. Three girls ran at me full speed shrieking my name. I forgot how it felt. I forgot how loved I was. How much I love them. How connected we all are. 

As they hugged me tight, tears welled up in my eyes. Fuck, that’s where my heart has been. I looked into each of their sweet makeup-less eyes and told them how much I missed them, how I had dreams about them after I quit, and how they are still in my thoughts. They all smiled and talked at the same time to update me with their lives. Nothing had changed. They didn’t love me any less, and shit, I loved them even more. 

I sat through the performance, heart as light as a feather, arms wrapped with one of the girls. We all share a heart, I forgot. Each time the girl performing looked our way, her smile grew. She had a whole crew of girls cheering for her-- all of different race, backround and past. I can’t explain the love I felt, other than being a proud mom.

When I was leaving, I hugged each of them tight. Kissed their cheeks. You can’t do that in residential therapy, and I never a gave a damn. I used to kiss their cheeks as they laid in bed, exhausted from intense emotions and outbursts. Today, I told them how proud I was, how much I loved them and told them to go easy on the staff. To remember they are humans too, just like me. I was met with smirks, playful eyes, pinches and kisses.

Walking to my car, I felt a hope I haven’t felt in weeks. Everything will be okay Amanda. They know. They know you love them. And they understand your love. 

And it came to me. That is what heart break is for me. I fear they won’t understand that my love has not dissolved. It has not “run away”. It is still very present. My love does not falter, and it shifts. I don’t know how others love, and I can’t assume, because that would make an ass of you and me. I just know it makes sense now. It makes sense. And for the first time in a month, I can feel my heart lightening.

duality

The duality inside me is quite the phenomenon

Naturally I am serious
full of emotion
purpose
drive
heart
percision

And I am playful
as a monkey
swinging from person to person
cackling in my pursuit
I love people!
I love to play!
I love to love!

Suddenly it shifts
Get shit done
go after what you want
you are resilient
unstoppable
you are here to live out your purpose

in comes the other
Have fun baby Mandi!
this is your natural state!
do art
give kisses
sing
know you can make a living out of what you love!

Back and forth they go
speaking loudly at the same time
they love each other
yet go head to head

Does everyone experience this?
It is quite the show. I laugh at the dualities.
The internal conversation.
Yet I wonder

Do you experience this too?

work

I bought myself new earrings today
You know why?
because I’m quitting my job

I was given an ultimatum on Monday
either take the program manager position
or take a fairly large pay cut

I don’t let people shove me around
I don’t like to do things half assed
I don’t like to say YES to things when I am not sure
and lately
I have been doing that

Today I said no
and as life goes
all things dramatic
unfolded in the past two days

I had tried to give the job promotion thought
only to find myself preoccupied
with my hurting relationship
and friend’s troubles

My friends,
the past four months
Saturday and Sundays
have been heavy
dreaded

I work the 1-11pm shift both days

I love the clients
Love is an understatement
they feel like my children
and it is very difficult to run the show
with 7+ girls for ten hours straight

Yes, I have coworkers that are awesome
and as lead counselor, I had a heavier duty

Their pain
sank it’s fangs into me
each weekend
sucking me dry
of love
happiness
and trust of all things good in the world

I didn’t talk to people on weekends
couldn’t have a sleep over with my boyfriend
or god forbid
drink alcohol the night before
I took it very seriously
I needed to be 110% ready for each shift

And I struggled
I began picking up unwanted traits from the girls
wearing their pasts on me like a cloak
I stopped trusting people
not being able to catch a break from the racing thoughts and concerns
with all that
I still didn’t back down

I showed up
shift after shift
ready to love
ready to hurt
and ready to fight
how fucked up is that?

And how sad

that I can not handle their realities

yet

they have to live them

The offer to be a manager
was alluring
I had already picked up the role as a mother
and I cringe as the unwanted words leave my mouth

Yes,
I became a mother to nine
14-17 year-old girls
I had worked so hard to get the position as program manager
yet it wasn’t what I wanted after all

I cannot commit my life to work
right now

I want to believe in all things positive
I want to be appreciated for my work
and allotted my weekends off

I believe
in my heart of hearts
work should be enjoyable
we should look forward to create
to build
to touch others

If my work isn’t a happy place
then it is not the place for me
Period

So here I am
still employed
on the move
feeling free
liberated
I might even say
yet tethered

I choose me
the one who needs as much time alone
as she needs with others
the one who sits in the woods for hours upon hours
writing, painting, singing
free from the constant buzz of technology

Life is about feeling good, making a difference and gaining wisdom
I suppose I will continue to keep doing that
this time
on my terms

Yes
I can forsee the struggle
it will be to leave

But when something isn’t serving you anymore
when something is hurting you

you must pack up your things
state how you feel
and depending on how you are received
leave
or stay

I am leaving
with a heavy heart
fearless eyes
the courage of a lion

I love the girls
I love them
and they know
for I tell them each shift
through their tears
their threats
their celebrations

And it is my duty
to show them
what it means to be
woman
to be strong
to be authentic

to be honest
in actions and words

and to teach others how we want to be treated

So here I go
I choose me

I choose to stand my ground
know my worth

and continue to burn my path

I can sleep well
knowing
I have loved how I love
stated who I am
acted out of my values

Leaving is always hard
yet choosing me
is the only
choice

Type A? Type B? Type Unicorn?

The other day I was getting my hair done. This is not something I do often, yet it was that time of the year again (haha yup, once a year). I didn’t know the hair dresser at all, and I could feel the snobby vibes in the room. No makeup on, with a stained shirt, I sat down in her chair ready to get a new do. After a little small talk to test one another’s waters, we began actually engaging. What did she enjoy? Did she have a family? She was kind enough, answering honestly, when she began to ask me questions. I told her what I do, about my boyfriend, about my life. In a kind enough observation, she said, “You are very type A. You are straight forward, get your stuff done and hold people to their shit. Good for you, I wish I was like that at your age.”

Folks, I have never been called “type A” nor have even ever pondered that possibility. Yes, she meant it as a compliment yet I sat frozen in her observation. I associate “type A” people to be uptight, career driven, attention to detail, scheduled, busy people. But oh wait, that fits me. What a bizarre realization it was. Sitting with foil in my hair, talking to a stranger, I had an explanation to why I felt so off for the past few months. I never lose my words or don’t know what to say, yet in that moment I sat, quiet with big eyes. Looking in the mirror I saw a different side of me that I had never seen.

No wonder why I have been interested in wearing sparkly makeup, lightening my hair, and wearing light colors. I have felt so heavy, yet naked of any authenticity. Now looking at my actions, it makes complete sense. I did what I thought I was "supposed" to do. Dressed in ways I deemed appropriate. I even COMBED MY HAIR!!!!!

That was two days ago. Since then, I have met with two very good friends that came to visit town, and I remember. I remember the girl with permanent dirt on her feet, makeup less big eyes, and all second hand clothes. I remember looking forward to adventure, diving into the unknown with a playful heart and glittery eyes. No, I am not nostalgic, but I know that is my best self. Not the Mandi from three years back, but the Mandi who dances to her own tune. Who does things that make zero sense to others yet vibrate with my frequency.

I feel the fire again. I see the wildness in my eyes. All my actions in the past few months make sense. And for all of this, I am grateful.

Maybe this is what life is all about? Losing our selves to find ourselves. I am not sure. But damn, it feels good to be trekking back home.

potentials

Why is it
That when it rains
It pours
Is it true
Or
All perspective

I can see the many different paths
None of them making sense
THEY ALL FIT
I scream

What a blessing it is
Every path is a fit
All are possible

I see the lives in slow motion video
Overwhelming my busy brain

What a gift and a curse
to be intuitive
I scratch my heard
Look down at the paths

No roads exist
I am not standing on the ground?
It is all black

I glance up
Open doors with videos playing
Which one do I choose?

I walk one way to get a closer look
Feelings begin to sweep me out to sea
If I go any further I can’t go back

I step back

Pick another door

I see my reflection
Moving through the actions
I look different
Calmer

I take a step towards her

The calmness gently wraps me in her blanket
Eyes close
Body shaking
Fear rips the blanket off
WHAT IF YOU LOSE YOUR SPUNK
she screams

I take a step back

I stand

Staring at the potential futures

six visible doors
I don’t know what to do

I don't know what to do

I don't know what to

I don't know what

I don't know

I don't.....

DO WHAT YOU ALWAYS DO!
I feel, I think, I know

Surrender 

Or don't

Let go
MOVE!

half broken hearted

My heart beats steady
my body sinking into my bed
difficult to tell what is my body
and what is not
I swear to you my heart is always
half broken

I touch my chest with both hands
gently
It's still beating
I'm still alive

My breathing is rapid
He is intruding on my every thought

Did I do the right thing?
Fuck
Fuck
Fuck

I haven't slept in three nights
my intuition has been arguing loudly
with my conscious mind
waking me every hour

Unable to get my balance
I was told one thing
and I slipped
hard
cracking my already fragile heart on the
icy pavement of our relationship

I care so much about him
and I have listened to his words

His actions illustrate care
he takes care of me
helps me
listens when I am confused
pulls me out of impossible jams
coaxes me back gently when I am lost
holding me close to keep me warm

Yet his words speak of a different story
he wants to see other people
he is unable to just see me
he cares, but won't just care about me

The words
delivered softly
sliced open my heart
I have been him many times before
and I am not him now

I cannot be a maybe
I cannot dive into the deep emotions he swirls up
just to know it could all be trampled with one night
I cannot fear him being with another
he is not mine

Nor was he ever

I feel like a coward
and I feel like a lion

Am I cowering from a potentiality?
Am I letting my fear of not being enough hold me back?
Was I trying to grasp because of my insecurities?

I listened to my intuition finally
I had ignored her for weeks
I spoke clearly from my fragile heart
respecting her, unafraid of being vulnerable

Did I do the right thing?

I have not been in this position in a long time
I have always been open
free to do as I please
cuddle who I want
kiss who I want
sleep with who I want
It has been my anthem

Now I am here

Maybe I am weak in my mind
maybe I am strong in my intuition
My heart is clear
All I wanted was him
his sunflower eyes
always disheveled hair
olive skin
stuffy nose

All I wanted was him

However, when two people want different things
they carve different paths
walk their own way

I am not one to force another on my path
though I have tried in the past
(gasp!)

Now I need to listen to the words that have been repeating
over and over
for weeks now
Let go or be dragged, my darling.

tidbits on love

Most people I know are dating people that they know are not their future. Yes, I said that correctly. And some are. My brother, my roommate and a few others to name. So, what about us? The people who are in relationships that we do not see a future with?

I believe, why enter a relationship if you do not see a future? To me, that has always been black and white. As of late, it hasn’t been that easy. It has not been black and white, in fact it has been shades of red, green, purple and a bunch of colors without names.

I went home last week and saw so many people whom I love dearly. I talked to good friends, their parents, my family. I got lots of tidbits of information. The first one being, love isn’t what we expect it to be. That lasting love takes practice, going through peaks and valleys, and building on foundations. I gulped aloud each time. I don’t like that. I don’t like the notion that you could potentially marry anyone you are compatible with and make it work. No, I do not like that at all. Isn’t love supposed to be an unsaid thing? That you feel it so wholly, so entirely, that you refuse to see life without the other? Isn’t it when you compromise not in demise but out of curiosity, compassion and sincerity? Isn’t it when the other person is your best friend, your partner in good times and bad, and your challenger?

I hated the explanation. I don’t know if love can be summarized, or if love is the same phenomenon for all people. So why was I so bothered? I know that people are different. I know that love is not black and white. And I know people love differently. Yet, the explanation stuck to my heart.

Ironically, the guy I have been seeing said the same thing. That love is something to build. That it doesn’t happen overnight. That he was patient with me because he cares. I wanted to prove him different. That I was different. That my love isn’t that way. And now I am stepping back slowly with my head hung low.

All I have known in love is deep, quick, unlasting love. Was it love? I think in a few cases, yes. I felt shattered without the other. And in one case, went into the darkest depression I have ever faced. But all of my relationships have been short, intense and emotion filled. Fireworks, lighting up the whole sky, creating a loud “boom” to just a few moments later to fade into the night sky.

For someone who loves hard, and speaks from the heart, this information is moving. I am looking back with compassion, and feeling all the feelings that come with this realization. Maybe love isn’t what I want it to be, but something that just is.

I do not know, yet I know whatever we chase, will run. I have yearned for love, for connection, for other worldliness emotion and feeling, and here I am, again, looking at my heart. Have I pushed it away? Have I twisted and turned myself in ways that are unnatural to the flow of love?

I am not sure, and I am feeling glimmers of calm. No-thing is to be figured out. Just let it go and it will come.