half broken hearted

My heart beats steady
my body sinking into my bed
difficult to tell what is my body
and what is not
I swear to you my heart is always
half broken

I touch my chest with both hands
gently
It's still beating
I'm still alive

My breathing is rapid
He is intruding on my every thought

Did I do the right thing?
Fuck
Fuck
Fuck

I haven't slept in three nights
my intuition has been arguing loudly
with my conscious mind
waking me every hour

Unable to get my balance
I was told one thing
and I slipped
hard
cracking my already fragile heart on the
icy pavement of our relationship

I care so much about him
and I have listened to his words

His actions illustrate care
he takes care of me
helps me
listens when I am confused
pulls me out of impossible jams
coaxes me back gently when I am lost
holding me close to keep me warm

Yet his words speak of a different story
he wants to see other people
he is unable to just see me
he cares, but won't just care about me

The words
delivered softly
sliced open my heart
I have been him many times before
and I am not him now

I cannot be a maybe
I cannot dive into the deep emotions he swirls up
just to know it could all be trampled with one night
I cannot fear him being with another
he is not mine

Nor was he ever

I feel like a coward
and I feel like a lion

Am I cowering from a potentiality?
Am I letting my fear of not being enough hold me back?
Was I trying to grasp because of my insecurities?

I listened to my intuition finally
I had ignored her for weeks
I spoke clearly from my fragile heart
respecting her, unafraid of being vulnerable

Did I do the right thing?

I have not been in this position in a long time
I have always been open
free to do as I please
cuddle who I want
kiss who I want
sleep with who I want
It has been my anthem

Now I am here

Maybe I am weak in my mind
maybe I am strong in my intuition
My heart is clear
All I wanted was him
his sunflower eyes
always disheveled hair
olive skin
stuffy nose

All I wanted was him

However, when two people want different things
they carve different paths
walk their own way

I am not one to force another on my path
though I have tried in the past
(gasp!)

Now I need to listen to the words that have been repeating
over and over
for weeks now
Let go or be dragged, my darling.